, Author at Paul Duxbury

Are Some People More Emotionally Intelligent Than Others?

The concept of IQ (Intelligence Quotient) has been around for decades. However, the idea of EQ (Emotional Quotient) or EI (Emotional Intelligence) became popular in the 1990s as a way of assessing why some people were more successful in the workplace than others. Knowledge from books is important, of course, but researchers noticed that the top performers in their careers all had certain characteristic in common.

They were:

Self-aware
Self-controlled
Able to act appropriate to the emotion being felt
Relating to others effectively, such as showing sympathy and empathy
Relating to others in a range of social situations, such as one-on-one, meetings, team projects, negotiations
A “people person” rather than an ideas person

Research showed that some people had more EI than others. Those who were lacking in EI tended to be in the lowest percentile in terms of work performance, and researchers posited that the personal relationships of underachievers were as difficult as their professional ones.

Learning EI

The good news is that EI can be developed with some focus and discipline. Each of the components above can be learned and improved upon. Working on becoming your best self is always a good idea for the sake of your own personal fulfillment. Working on EI can have the added benefits of improving your career and going from low man on the ladder to the top rung.

How is this possible, you may ask? It’s because in the process of improving your EI, you will become the kind of person who can “win friends and influence people.” People do business with people they like. Becoming more self-aware and self-controlled can serve as the gateway to getting along with others better, and being perceived as someone to be admired and even guided by.

In the same way that some people seem to be born leaders while others study leadership and take action to gain leadership positions, you can learn more about your own emotions in order to maximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.
Understanding what makes others tick, being a good listener and problem solver, a team player and a someone in control and not freaking out no matter what happens, are all signs not just of a reliable colleague, but a leader as well – a person others look to for guidance if and when things start to go wrong.

Studying your own emotions can help you learn how to manage them. Note the word “manage,” not “suppress.” No one is expecting you to be a block of wood, but in the workplace, those who can manage their emotions and not fly off the handle (for example) will stand out compared to those who are not able to rein themselves in.

Observing body language in yourself, and facial expression if you look in the mirror, will all give you guidance on the kind of image you are conveying to others. Are you coming off as warm and friendly, or cold, aloof, and arrogant? Are you really just shy? If you feel you are shy, what is making you hold back from others?

Reading the body language and facial expressions of colleagues, bosses, important business contacts, and so on, can help you get through even tricky situations and negotiations because you will be more alert, aware and tuned in to others. Most people don’t like used car salesmen because they’re so pushy. They only care about the sale, not the purchaser. Conveying care and other higher motivations such as improving their lives will create a win-win situation for everyone.

If you’re feeling stuck in your relationships, spend more time on your EI and see what a difference it can make in your life.

Practical Emotional Intelligence Examples

Emotional intelligence, or EI, involves understanding your emotions and the emotions of the people around you. Emotional awareness can help in many different situations at home, at school, and at work.

EI occurs on a number of levels. It involves the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions, and to be able to read the emotions of others in order to deal with them in an appropriate manner.

Our emotions are important in relationships, of course, but having empathy and understanding for others greases the wheels of communication and closeness. An emotionally intelligent person is easier to deal with than one lacking in EI for a number of reasons. Those with high EI are good at:

Managing difficult situations
Expressing themselves clearly and honestly
Controlling their emotions
Gaining respect from others, who admire their cool head and control
Influencing other people, such as in a leadership position because they lead by example
Working well as a team
Listening
Supporting

There are a number of example that demonstrate a person with high EI in action. By assessing yourself and looking at effective examples, you can boost your own EI and enjoy better success in your professional and personal relationships.

1. Anger Management

Anger management is a key skill that will help all your relationships. Note the word management, not suppression. Feeling angry is only natural. It’s how you express, or choose not to express, your anger that is crucial.

Examples of EI so anger does not run away with you include:

Counting to ten.
Telling the person you need some time to think and you will speak to them later.
Focusing on long, deep breathing so your breath doesn’t come in gasps and you can stay relaxed.
Using meditation to calm yourself.
Using visualization. Think of your favorite calming view.
Seeing the situation from the other person’s viewpoint.
Focusing on solving the problem in a practical way, rather than letting emotions get the better of you.

2. Understanding Body Language

Sometimes what is not said is as important as what is spoken. Body language can speak volumes, whether you realize it or not. Standing with your arms folded or with your body turned to the side is very off-putting to people and distances you from them. If you see someone standing like that when you are speaking to them, then they are not engaging with you on a deeper level.

By reading their body language and facial expressions, you can start to understand what others are really thinking and feeling, which can help with better communication and deal making.

A few things to watch out for include:

Hands on hips, fists clenched, red face = anger
Relaxed eye contact, smiling, sitting in a comfortable way = happy
Pacing, nail biting, tapping = anxiety
Eyes, face and posture all drooping = sadness

3. Dealing with Difficult People

Sooner or later, you are going to have to deal with difficult people. EI can help you navigate stormy waters successfully. Here are a few strategies for success you can try.

Know your communication style – is it relaxed and informal or uptight and formal?
Know their communication style and adapt yours to theirs.
Don’t jump to conclusions – get all the facts.
Be honest no matter what.
Don’t play the blame game. Pointing fingers is rarely helpful and could cause you to lose face even though you might not be the one who is in the wrong.
Don’t run on empty. Take care of your emotional and physical needs first. Eat right, take bathroom breaks, have a drink of water or beverage, and then tackle the issue.

Use these examples and others of good EI, and see what a difference they can make to all your relationships.

Six Simple Ways to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence

In my last post I looked at what Emotional Intellifence (EI) is. In summary Emotional Intelligence can be defined as the ability to understand, manage, and effectively express one’s own feelings, as well as engage successfully with those of others. Studies have shown that the most successful people in the workplace are those with high EI, while those who are the lowest performers have low EI.

EI is essential for harmonious relationships at work and home. As with most things in life, if we are willing to study and put in the effort, we can improve our EI and therefore our relationship – not just with others, but with ourselves as well.

Here are six ways to increase your EI.

1. Look Within

Many people tend to blame others for their emotions. “He made me feel bad when he said…” or “She really hurt me.”

No one makes us feel or do anything. Our feelings appear and disappear like waves in the ocean. It is up to us if we choose to focus on them or not. For example, anger can arise suddenly, but people might cling onto it for ages, holding grudges, not speaking to family members for years, and so on.

2. Recognise and Reduce Reactions

By recognising our emotions, we can start to get them under control. Note that “control” does not mean “suppress.” It means to express them in a healthy and productive way. Using the anger example, some people shout, scream and throw things. Others go silent and refuse to speak to the other person involved.

3. Leann to Express Emotions in a Healthier Way

Once you have identified an emotion you would like to handle more skillfully, it will be time to come up with strategies that can prevent the emotion from running away with you. For example, some people count to ten before they say anything if they feel anger is rising, in order to give themselves a bit of distance from the emotion and not let the heat of the moment cause them to do anything they might later regret.

4. Understand Better the Emotions of Others

Listening to others and observing them are two steps to better understanding of those around you. If you’ve been struggling in a relationship, try to take a step back and view the person with fresh eyes. Don’t assume or rush to judge. Also, don’t take anything for granted. The longer you have known someone, the more you might think you “know” them, but people can sometimes deceive us, and even themselves if they are not in tune with their emotions.

5. Avoid Jumping to Conclusions

Sometimes we think it is all about us, when in fact a person’s reaction might have no connection to us at all. Your boss might seem angry, so you think it is about you, your work, or that they are planning to fire you. Your mind can jump to all sorts of conclusions, but the only way you will really be able to try to find out what’s wrong is if you ask.

Of course, the person might then tell you to mind your own business, or lie and say there’s nothing wrong, both of which are communication stoppers and might even make things worse. But, don’t assume that another person’s feelings are to do with you.

6. Learn to Express Your Feelings Proactively

Once you have started to recognize and control your emotions, it will be time to take the next step – conveying them to others when needed. This does not mean sharing every feeling, but only ones that make you feel distant from the other person and need to be resolved if you are going to grow closer once more.

Use these six ways to increase your EI and see what a difference they can make to your relationships.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

We are hearing a lot about Emotional Intelligence at the moment but what exactly is it and why is it important and so popular?

Emotional intelligence can be defined as the ability to control and express our emotions in a healthy way, and to understand, interpret, and respond to the emotions of others in an appropriate way. Many people focus on their IQ or Intelligence Quotient, but psychological studies have shown that there is also a thing known as an Emotional Quotient (EQ), and that those with a high EQ tend to do well in both their careers and social situations.

Defining Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EI) was first explored in the 1930s in the US and by the 1990s had become a mainstream concept used to help people with anger management and other issues monitor their own feelings and actions, and better grasp the effects of their emotions on other people. By also learning how to read the feelings and emotions of others, better communication could take place, and relationships improved.

The Four Aspects of Emotional Intelligence

Researchers have created a model of EI that is said to have four parts:

Recognizing emotions
Reasoning using emotions
Understanding emotions
Managing emotions

1. Recognizing

The first step in understanding emotions is to recognise them, and be able to identify them accurately. This will often include tapping into one’s own inner truth to sort out anger, disappointment, embarrassment, and other emotions. These might all be expressed in the same way by a person lacking in EI, who might demonstrate anger in all of these instances.

It might also be a case of recognising their own body language and the unconscious messages they are sending, and picking up on the non-verbal cues others are giving them, such as facial expression and body language. Standing too far away or too close to someone, for example, sends out certain messages they need to be able to read in themselves and others.

2. Reasoning Using Emotions

Human beings are not robots. We make many decisions in relation to our emotions, though we might not realise it. We will often do things on the spur of the moment due to mood. However, reasoning means getting the emotions under control and using them to make logical decisions based on who the person is and the life they wish to lead. Emotions help us focus on what’s important to us and filter out what isn’t important.

3. Understanding Emotions

We can usually identify emotions, but are not always able to interpret what they mean. For example, we can all spot anger in most cases, but need to get at the heart of why the anger has been triggered. However, not everyone who experiences anger shouts or throws things. Sometimes their reaction is a lot subtler, such as silence, sarcasm, or simply walking away.

Understanding emotions is also about not taking things personally. Is your boss really angry with you, or are they angry at the guy who cut him off in the parking lot?

4. Managing Emotions

Managing emotions is an essential part of EI, with your expression of emotions appropriate to the situation and context. Shouting, screaming and throwing things might be appropriate when you are two, but not when you are an adult – and certainly not in the office in front of all your colleagues.

Those who are able to regulate their emotions and not get ruffled no matter how stressful things get, are seen to be a reliable person in control of their life. Those who fly off the handle at the least little thing are seen to be unreliable and out of control, and therefore someone who needs to be dealt with cautiously.

If you’ve been struggling with relationships, it’s time to learn more about your EI.

The Skills You Need for Personal Empowerment

In the last few posts I have been looking at what is involved in becoming personally empowered. On a post earlier today on LinkedIn (see here) Ie looked at the importance of language to empower yourself in order to make progress towards achieving the goals you have set. In this posts I want to take a look at some of the other useful skills you need for personal empowerment.

Self-Awareness

Understand our strengths, weaknesses and limitations.

Willingness to Take Action

Once you have identified your weaknesses and limitations, are you willing to take practical action steps to overcome them?

Willingness to Learn

Once you have made a list of the things you wish to overcome or improve in your life, are you willing to learn effective strategies for doing so, and apply what you learn?

Willingness to Seek Professional Help and Support If Needed

Some deep-seated issues might be just too tough to tackle on your own. Being willing to seek help when needed, and support from friends, family, mentors and so on, can make all the difference in how rapidly you progress towards your goals.

Develop Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem

It is easy to beat yourself up over all sorts of little things. Do you have the courage to go beyond your old way of viewing things in order to develop an entirely new outlook?

Positive Thinking

Taking an optimistic view will be a great deal more helpful than a pessimistic one. Think of the Little Engine that Could. As the great car manufacturer Henry Ford has been credited with saying, “If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

Evaluating, Not Criticising

Keeping a journal of your goals and progress towards them is one of the best ways to track your success and do more of what works, to achieve your aims even more rapidly. Evaluate, don’t criticize. You did the best you could that day, and will try harder tomorrow. Or, X might not have gone according to plan, but Y went much better than you hoped it would.

All of these skills can help your path to personal empowerment and tackle the weaknesses and limitations you observe in yourself, so you will no longer be held back from living your best life.

Whether it is physical, financial, overcoming negative habits, or some other form of personal empowerment you are seeking, I hope that I have given you some ideas, suggestions, tools and skills to help you succeed. Use language strategically to establish and maintain your personal power, and be pro-active about goal setting. Then see just how far you can transform your life for the better.