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Six Simple Ways to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence

In my last post I looked at what Emotional Intellifence (EI) is. In summary Emotional Intelligence can be defined as the ability to understand, manage, and effectively express one’s own feelings, as well as engage successfully with those of others. Studies have shown that the most successful people in the workplace are those with high EI, while those who are the lowest performers have low EI.

EI is essential for harmonious relationships at work and home. As with most things in life, if we are willing to study and put in the effort, we can improve our EI and therefore our relationship – not just with others, but with ourselves as well.

Here are six ways to increase your EI.

1. Look Within

Many people tend to blame others for their emotions. “He made me feel bad when he said…” or “She really hurt me.”

No one makes us feel or do anything. Our feelings appear and disappear like waves in the ocean. It is up to us if we choose to focus on them or not. For example, anger can arise suddenly, but people might cling onto it for ages, holding grudges, not speaking to family members for years, and so on.

2. Recognise and Reduce Reactions

By recognising our emotions, we can start to get them under control. Note that “control” does not mean “suppress.” It means to express them in a healthy and productive way. Using the anger example, some people shout, scream and throw things. Others go silent and refuse to speak to the other person involved.

3. Leann to Express Emotions in a Healthier Way

Once you have identified an emotion you would like to handle more skillfully, it will be time to come up with strategies that can prevent the emotion from running away with you. For example, some people count to ten before they say anything if they feel anger is rising, in order to give themselves a bit of distance from the emotion and not let the heat of the moment cause them to do anything they might later regret.

4. Understand Better the Emotions of Others

Listening to others and observing them are two steps to better understanding of those around you. If you’ve been struggling in a relationship, try to take a step back and view the person with fresh eyes. Don’t assume or rush to judge. Also, don’t take anything for granted. The longer you have known someone, the more you might think you “know” them, but people can sometimes deceive us, and even themselves if they are not in tune with their emotions.

5. Avoid Jumping to Conclusions

Sometimes we think it is all about us, when in fact a person’s reaction might have no connection to us at all. Your boss might seem angry, so you think it is about you, your work, or that they are planning to fire you. Your mind can jump to all sorts of conclusions, but the only way you will really be able to try to find out what’s wrong is if you ask.

Of course, the person might then tell you to mind your own business, or lie and say there’s nothing wrong, both of which are communication stoppers and might even make things worse. But, don’t assume that another person’s feelings are to do with you.

6. Learn to Express Your Feelings Proactively

Once you have started to recognize and control your emotions, it will be time to take the next step – conveying them to others when needed. This does not mean sharing every feeling, but only ones that make you feel distant from the other person and need to be resolved if you are going to grow closer once more.

Use these six ways to increase your EI and see what a difference they can make to your relationships.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

We are hearing a lot about Emotional Intelligence at the moment but what exactly is it and why is it important and so popular?

Emotional intelligence can be defined as the ability to control and express our emotions in a healthy way, and to understand, interpret, and respond to the emotions of others in an appropriate way. Many people focus on their IQ or Intelligence Quotient, but psychological studies have shown that there is also a thing known as an Emotional Quotient (EQ), and that those with a high EQ tend to do well in both their careers and social situations.

Defining Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EI) was first explored in the 1930s in the US and by the 1990s had become a mainstream concept used to help people with anger management and other issues monitor their own feelings and actions, and better grasp the effects of their emotions on other people. By also learning how to read the feelings and emotions of others, better communication could take place, and relationships improved.

The Four Aspects of Emotional Intelligence

Researchers have created a model of EI that is said to have four parts:

Recognizing emotions
Reasoning using emotions
Understanding emotions
Managing emotions

1. Recognizing

The first step in understanding emotions is to recognise them, and be able to identify them accurately. This will often include tapping into one’s own inner truth to sort out anger, disappointment, embarrassment, and other emotions. These might all be expressed in the same way by a person lacking in EI, who might demonstrate anger in all of these instances.

It might also be a case of recognising their own body language and the unconscious messages they are sending, and picking up on the non-verbal cues others are giving them, such as facial expression and body language. Standing too far away or too close to someone, for example, sends out certain messages they need to be able to read in themselves and others.

2. Reasoning Using Emotions

Human beings are not robots. We make many decisions in relation to our emotions, though we might not realise it. We will often do things on the spur of the moment due to mood. However, reasoning means getting the emotions under control and using them to make logical decisions based on who the person is and the life they wish to lead. Emotions help us focus on what’s important to us and filter out what isn’t important.

3. Understanding Emotions

We can usually identify emotions, but are not always able to interpret what they mean. For example, we can all spot anger in most cases, but need to get at the heart of why the anger has been triggered. However, not everyone who experiences anger shouts or throws things. Sometimes their reaction is a lot subtler, such as silence, sarcasm, or simply walking away.

Understanding emotions is also about not taking things personally. Is your boss really angry with you, or are they angry at the guy who cut him off in the parking lot?

4. Managing Emotions

Managing emotions is an essential part of EI, with your expression of emotions appropriate to the situation and context. Shouting, screaming and throwing things might be appropriate when you are two, but not when you are an adult – and certainly not in the office in front of all your colleagues.

Those who are able to regulate their emotions and not get ruffled no matter how stressful things get, are seen to be a reliable person in control of their life. Those who fly off the handle at the least little thing are seen to be unreliable and out of control, and therefore someone who needs to be dealt with cautiously.

If you’ve been struggling with relationships, it’s time to learn more about your EI.

The Skills You Need for Personal Empowerment

In the last few posts I have been looking at what is involved in becoming personally empowered. On a post earlier today on LinkedIn (see here) Ie looked at the importance of language to empower yourself in order to make progress towards achieving the goals you have set. In this posts I want to take a look at some of the other useful skills you need for personal empowerment.

Self-Awareness

Understand our strengths, weaknesses and limitations.

Willingness to Take Action

Once you have identified your weaknesses and limitations, are you willing to take practical action steps to overcome them?

Willingness to Learn

Once you have made a list of the things you wish to overcome or improve in your life, are you willing to learn effective strategies for doing so, and apply what you learn?

Willingness to Seek Professional Help and Support If Needed

Some deep-seated issues might be just too tough to tackle on your own. Being willing to seek help when needed, and support from friends, family, mentors and so on, can make all the difference in how rapidly you progress towards your goals.

Develop Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem

It is easy to beat yourself up over all sorts of little things. Do you have the courage to go beyond your old way of viewing things in order to develop an entirely new outlook?

Positive Thinking

Taking an optimistic view will be a great deal more helpful than a pessimistic one. Think of the Little Engine that Could. As the great car manufacturer Henry Ford has been credited with saying, “If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

Evaluating, Not Criticising

Keeping a journal of your goals and progress towards them is one of the best ways to track your success and do more of what works, to achieve your aims even more rapidly. Evaluate, don’t criticize. You did the best you could that day, and will try harder tomorrow. Or, X might not have gone according to plan, but Y went much better than you hoped it would.

All of these skills can help your path to personal empowerment and tackle the weaknesses and limitations you observe in yourself, so you will no longer be held back from living your best life.

Whether it is physical, financial, overcoming negative habits, or some other form of personal empowerment you are seeking, I hope that I have given you some ideas, suggestions, tools and skills to help you succeed. Use language strategically to establish and maintain your personal power, and be pro-active about goal setting. Then see just how far you can transform your life for the better.

Ready, Steady, Go! Becoming Personally Empowered

In my earlier post I looked at What Is Personal Empowerment? and asked you to evaluate where you are right now. Once you have evaluated yourself honestly, without being arrogant or hypercritical, you will have two lists: what you do well, and what you wish you could do better. Next, tackle each item on your list, one by one.

Personal empowerment may sound selfish, like it is all about you. However, the truth is that making yourself into a better person, the person you truly wish to be, extends benefits outwards – like a stone being thrown in a pond and the effect rippling outwards. By looking inward, you can improve your relationships at home, work and so on. You will feel less trapped and more in control of your own life.

You will be able to deal with problems more easily and set and achieve goals. These might be personal ones, or career-related ones. No matter which, you are more likely to be a better friend, spouse, parent, work colleague and so on if you feel empowered, not a helpless victim of circumstances.

You will work better as a team, and thanks to your opportunities for personal growth, you will achieve a new sense of fulfillment. Just think how liberating it will be to get rid of the nagging feeling of discontent that might be harming your career and personal relationships.

But before you start getting too enthusiastic about the idea of personal empowerment and development, it is important to realize that the process will not always be an easy and comfortable one. The goals you set may be harder than you think. Looking inward may bring up a range of issues you might have been burying for years.

Personal empowerment will involve making some changes to your life, which is not always an easy process. The degree of change required will differ from person to person, depending on the individual starting point and goal. You will also have to watch out for self-sabotage, and sabotage from others.

Dealing with Self-Sabotage and Sabotage from Others

Neither you nor they might even realize your efforts are being sabotaged, because change can be very stressful and intimidating for yourself and others. Let’s look at the example of weight loss, which many people need to deal with these days, and the ways you might sabotage yourself or be sabotaged by others – either consciously or unconsciously.

On the one hand, you would like to look great in your clothes, happy, healthy and fit. On the other hand, it might be easier to stay the way you are than to make a lot of changes and then have to deal with being more “visible” and “attractive,” especially if you are a shy person.

In relation to your family and friends, they might secretly feel jealous of your better body. Family members also tend to pigeon-hole us into certain categories and behaviors. You might be the “fat” one, or the one with “the big appetite.” At family gatherings, well-meaning relatives might encourage you to eat more: “Go on, have a little.”

They might even fill up your plate, putting you in an awkward position because you don’t want to overeat, but you also don’t want to be rude to your hosts.

Predicting trouble spots and learning strategies to cope with these kinds of situations will be an important part of personal empowerment. Setting boundaries and sticking to them as needed, or letting them relax a little, can keep you on target with your goals. They can also help you build on the foundation of your accomplishments. Just because you eat one small piece of candy does not mean your entire diet is ruined and you should just give up and go back to the way you used to eat.

Self-awareness, setting values and sticking to those values, or adjusting them as needed, are all part of personal empowerment and development. So too will be gaining the skills you need to succeed in your endeavors.

Do You Ever Feel Like An Imposter?

I have seen a lot of articles and commentary of late on the subject of impostor syndrome and have been taking a look at it and thought that I would share some ideas around it.

If you have not come across the terms before let me firstly explain what it is! Do you ever find yourself feeling that you don’t really deserve credit for your achievements? You may have worked hard to achieve a goal in your life. You may be known as the “go to” person at work or away from work when achieving results matter. However, you have this deep rooted feeling of being a fake or impostor, and you find yourself constantly suffering the unrealistic fear that you will be “found out”, with dire consequences ensuing and your world will fall down around you?

This is what has come to be known as impostor or imposter syndrome and is also referred to as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome. The term was developed by psychologists Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes. In their research they noticed that a significant number of high-achieving individuals would not give themselves credit for their achievements.

People who struggle with this have a persistent fear that one day they will be exposed to the world as a fraud, faker and impostor, when in almost every situation they worked for their achievements. If you find that you have a hard time giving yourself credit for the things you have achieved, then one or more of the following ideas may help you be more confident in your achievements.

Keep a Success File

Record every occasion where you helped someone succeed. Write down all of your successes, testimonials and achievements. Refer to them whenever you feel like a fraud.

Be Honest With Yourself

Sometimes spelling it out, calling your behaviour what it is, is all you need to get past it.

Failing Doesn’t Make You a Fake

The greatest achievements have come on the heels of failure. Failing or making a mistake does not make you a fraud or impostor.

You Have Something Important to Give to the World

When you feel like a fraud or impostor, you pull back and don’t try as hard. This is unfair to the world, which needs your unique presence and abilities.

Ask yourself this question. Do you want to lie on your deathbed, regretting things you did not do or attempt in your life? Believing that you are a fraud or fake can cause you to take less chances, which can lead to regret.

Someone once told me that the biggest challenge we face is that all of us at some point are simply trying to get through this thing called life, and at times we all find that we really don’t know what we’re doing. We just do our best and are always learning.