Professional Development Archives - Page 7 of 20

Dealing With The Mood Hoover

I have been talking with a former colleague recently who has taken on a new management role in a Customer Service team. The team and indeed the business is going through a lot of change and she is finding that she is having to deal with a number of negative people who she refers to as “mood hoovers” which is a phrase I have heard used before.

I am sure we have all met them whether in work or in our private lives. The moody or grumpy person who can be a real “mood hoover” to be around. Obviously many people can have mood swings for a variety of reasons. Some people may not be feeling well at a particular moment, or may be experiencing some sort of issue or have a concern that just occupies most of their mind.

Some people, on the other hand, are just moody by nature. They have regular ups and downs that seem to be a part of their daily routine. They are a real mood hoover and it can feel almost as if they are sucking the positive out of the air! Dealing with this sort of person is never easy but there are some techniques for dealing with this sort of person and that can minimise the impact on you and others.

Get to know their basic temperament. In essence there are two types of grumpy or moody people. The first is one who has an occasional bad day. They may have lost their car keys and been hopelessly delayed by trying to find them or had a misunderstanding with their partner, whatever it is, there is generally a reason we can empathise with for their mood. They are the sort who will soon shake it off with calm and order being restored. Then there’s the kind who seems to go through an emotional roller-coaster on a daily basis. The latter is the kind of person who just brings those around them down with them because they like to always look at the glass as being half-empty. People like this are usually extremely sensitive, and any little thing gets them on a roll of negativity and criticism of others and everything around them. Should you be faced with that kind of person, one thing you should never do is feed their fire. Step back and avoid circumstances that can tick them off.

We all need to learn how to read people. While some may all too readily share their emotions, there are others who are prone to withdrawing and displacing their inner feelings by having inappropriate reactions to small incidents. People like these will rant and rave about the most trivial of matters when what they are trying to do is mask their vulnerability. The best way to deal with people who do this is to try to find out the underlying causes of their anger. Ask them how they are and offer to listen to them when they are calm enough to talk. Never force them to open up and talk about it, otherwise they will retreat further into their shell. If they really refuse to talk, simply take a step back and let them know that they can approach you when they are ready. When we have problems, most of us need to talk about the issues when the time is right.

Try to put things in perspective. It’s important to know that with the typical mood hoover you are not responsible for their mood because whatever you do they will find some way of turning it into a negative. The important thing here is to remain positive and continue to be the objective person. Take a step back and observe the things that trigger their anger. When they are grouchy towards you even when you haven’t done anything, you also need to stand your ground and let them know that you will not tolerate this kind of treatment.

Deciding when enough is enough is entirely up to you. When you deal with a moody person, you have to be brave enough to also say stop. The mood hoover can be incredibly destructive and ultimately they will have to face the consequences of their behaviour but don’t let them drag you down to their level. As I advised my former colleague you need to maintain your focus on the positive and sometimes you have to accept that some people cannot be jolted out of their approach to life however good a manager you might be.

50 Is The New 30 – Confidence As We Mature

In a meeting the other day the comment was made that “50 is the new 30!” which was a reflection perhaps of how in the space of no more than a couple of generations what we expect of ourselves has definitely changed. If I think back to my own parents at my age then they certainly approached life in a very different way to how we find ourselves behaving, dressing and indeed working today.

That set me reflecting on some of the discussions with “mature” people I have had recently. Some of them also talked about how in the face of the seemingly relentless change they have felt a loss of confidence at times leading some to feel like an “imposter.” I have written about the imposter syndrome before (see here) but in this post I want to look at how, as we contend with the world which expects more of us, we can retain or re-discover our confidence.

In the glossy magazines and on websites we are told that we can do it all and have it all. That can seem quite daunting if you are at a stage in your life where you are struggling with being confident. The reality is that everything is a balancing act, and the best way to stay happy and confident is to make a list of priorities and stick to it.

Who Are You?

When it comes to prioritising, you need to know who you are and what you want in life. With a purpose-driven life, you are in control, setting your goals and taking action to achievement.

There are only so many hours in the day, with one-third supposed to be reserved for sleep, and one-third of your weekdays (usually) reserved for work. However, as a partner, community activist or caregiver to elderly parents or relatives, the work day increases and the sleep often decreases. It can seem almost impossible to find “me time” in which you can relax, de-stress, and work on self-improvement.

Good Self-Care

The truth is that the happier you try to make others, the unhappier you will usually be yourself. You will never be able to take care of others well unless you first take care of yourself and ensure as many of your real needs as possible are met. These include food, rest, money to pay the bills, supportive relationships and so on.

Good self-care is empowering and will boost confidence. You won’t feel as if you are running on an empty fuel tank all the time. Instead, you can give all your important tasks your best effort. You might even have time to take classes online, learn new skills, and more.

Lifelong Learning

You are never too old to learn. Gaining new skills can increase your self-esteem. They might even help you get that promotion or raise you’ve been longing for.

Surrounding Yourself with Positive People

Positive people exude positive energy. You can tell who they are because you feel good whenever they walk into the room. Spend more time with them, and try to become more positive yourself, so you can network with like-minded people.

Do Self-Confidence Exercises throughout the Day

Start in the morning by telling yourself you are going to have a great day. Try a “power pose” in front of the mirror, stretching your arms and leg out as widely as possible until you feel like you are filling the room. Don’t be “small” or think small.

Work physical activity into your day for at least a few minutes at a time. A 10-minute workout session four times per day is just as effective as one 40-minute session, and exercise boosts your energy as well.

Come up with affirmations, positive statements that fill you with energy, such as “feel your power,” “You can do it,” and so on.

At the end of the day, journal about your successes, and what you can do even better tomorrow. Again I have written about the benefits of reflective journals elsewhere (see here.)

Cross Items Off Your Bucket List

Regularly do things you’ve always wanted to do. They will get you out of your comfort zone and increase your self-esteem.

Follow these tips to increase both your confidence and self-belief.

Five Steps to Becoming a Better Listener

In this final post in the short series on listening skills I want to look at how you can become a better listener. If you want to become a better listener, follow these steps to get started. But first, understand why you’re listening. You are listening to gather information, to understand, to learn and even to have fun. You’re not listening to respond. That is the main difference in active listening.

Step #1: Pay Attention

That may seem like an oversimplification, but it’s true. You need to shut off distractions such as your phone and other screens and truly seek to pay attention. Don’t try to multitask. No one is good at that and you will miss important information if you don’t pay attention.

Step #2: Show Them You’re Listening

When you are listening, no one else will know if you don’t show it. Use your body language, gestures, and words to spur the conversation forward if it’s a conversation. If it’s a speech, it might help you to take notes on the main points of the speech so that you can follow up later.

Step #3: Offer Feedback

When it’s appropriate in the situation, offer affirmative feedback by paraphrasing what you think you heard. Then get confirmation that you’re correct before you ask more open-ended and clarifying questions to keep the communication going.

Step #4: Delay Judgement

If you’re truly actively listening, you need to listen to everything the person is saying before you offer your opinion. It’s okay to ask them if they’re finished with their story if they’re an especially active talker, but otherwise, if you don’t have the whole story you can’t provide your opinion. Sometimes it’s appropriate and sometimes it’s not, but if you’re actively listening you’ll be able to judge this better.

Step #5: Respond Appropriately

All honest and open responses are appropriate if they’re given in a respectful way. Always treat other people in the manner you wish to be treated, even if you disagree with them vehemently. Focus on the intended message and not always the content of what they said to truly delve into the discussion or issue.

It can take practice to learn to become a better listener, but it will pay off in many ways. You’ll build better relationships in all aspects of your life. People will like and trust you more. To get good at listening, you’ll need to become more self-aware than you may be now. You’ll need to know what your body is doing and to control your mind while you’re listening so that you are truly listening and not just pretending to listen.

Developing Your Listening Skills

In the previous post I looked at what it means to be a good listener. In this post I want to look at how you can develop the skills involved in listening and how you can give people the impression you are genuinely listening to them.

The entire point of listening is to gather information from the person speaking. To get the information the messenger wants you to receive, you may have to practice some techniques that help you truly listen to the speaker.

Focus on the Speaker – When you place your focus on the person speaking, you’re going to be more likely to understand what they’re trying to communicate. A good technique for focusing is to turn off any extraneous electronics or put them on mute. Focus your eyes on the speaker and not on what is behind them.

Establish Rapport – When you can relate to others, you’ll be able to build trust faster. For example, a way to establish rapport is to find common ground with the person speaking. Let them know that you’ve been there, or if you haven’t, let them know that too and ask them to explain more. Show that you’re empathetic, and learn how to mirror the speaker’s mannerisms and speech in an appropriate way.

Show Concern – There are numerous ways to show your concern without interjecting your opinion or interrupting the speaker. You can show concern with your eyes, by gently touching their hand or shoulder, and by showing the feeling in your eyes when you look at the speaker. Don’t detract from the speaker with an over-display of emotion, but let them know subtly that you are concerned about what they are saying.

Paraphrase – When appropriate, it’s a good idea to paraphrase what the speaker is saying. “I hear you saying that you’re overworked, tired, and stressed, is that right?” Then let the speaker answer whether that is correct before offering any type of solution.

Use Non-Verbal Cues – Not only should you pay attention to the body language of the speaker, but you should also provide non-verbal cues to the speaker that you’re supporting them and listening to them. You can do that by using reflection or mirroring. Pay attention to your face, make eye contact appropriately, and lean forward so that they see that you’re listening. Nod your head, smile, or frown, at the appropriate times.

Affirm Verbally – It’s also okay to say things like, “Continue”, “That’s terrible”, “I understand”, or, “This is exciting”. Use whatever is appropriate to show that you’re listening to them in a verbally affirming way.

Ask Open-Ended Questions – When you want to hear more of what someone is saying, you can ask open-ended questions. An open-ended question goes deeper than a yes or no question and requires a deeper answer. When you do this, avoid asking leading questions which suggests answers to them. An example of an open-ended job interview question goes like this: “Please describe what benefits hiring you will provide our company.”

Ask Specific Questions – If you need clarity, it’s okay to ask closed questions. “Are you saying that John is almost always late with his work?” This requires a yes or no, and can help you understand what the speaker is saying so that they can move forward with what they’re trying to communicate with you. When you do this, gesture for them to continue so it doesn’t stop the discussion.

Show Understanding – When it’s the right time, you can also disclose your own similar experiences to help the speaker relate to you better. You want to avoid making it all about you, though, so it depends on the situation. But a short sentence such as, “I’ve also received hate mail due to my social media activity, what did you do next?”

Avoid Responding until the Speaker Is Finished – It’s important to wait for the speaker to be finished before you start offering your opinion. Allow the person speaking to finish and pause for two or three seconds before you start talking about your opinion to ensure they’re done. The biggest thing to realize is that silence is not a bad thing when you’re trying to actively listen to someone.

When you’re actively listening, do not fidget, eye gaze, overreact, or interrupt. Listen for understanding, and show that you understand non-verbally and verbally. Show that you’re listening by leaning forward and using the right amount of eye contact and the right cues.

Are You A Good Listener?

In the recent set of posts about Difficult Conversations one of the skills that I identified was the ability to be a good listener. So, in the next few posts I want to explore what being a good listener means and how you can develop your skills in that area.

In my opinion, one of the most important things you can learn in life outside of empathy is learning to be a good listener. There are a variety of reasons for this. Outside of the fact that you’ll get to know people better if you’re a good listener, there is also the fact that people will remember you more and like you more if you listen. If you want to be popular, learn to be an active listener.

What It Means to Be a Good Listener

There are some characteristic signs of a good listener that you can teach yourself. With practice, these things will become natural to you. But they do take practice. When you start doing this, you’ll notice that people seem to like you more and remember you more. The main reason is that good listeners often elicit a lot more trust than bad listeners.

Make Eye Contact – A person who is really listening to you doesn’t look at screens, in the mirror, or out the window while engaged in conversation. They put the person they’re talking with at the centre of their thoughts and eye contact. You don’t have to gaze into someone’s eyes without rest, but you do need to show that you’re paying attention.

Ask Thoughtful Questions – At appropriate times, ask the person you’re talking to questions based on what they’ve already told you. Ask one question at a time and give them an opportunity to answer before interjecting into the conversation.

Pay Attention – It can be hard for most people to pay attention, but you can learn tricks to make your brain actively engage with listening to the person you’re talking with. Look at their face, listen to their words, and nod in agreement or disagreement while they talk. If you don’t understand something, ask for further explanation.

Avoid Making Assumptions – As was mentioned earlier, ask questions when you don’t understand. Never make assumptions about what someone means, and don’t read between the lines. When in doubt, simply ask for clarification to ensure that you really do understand what someone is trying to say to you.

Think before Responding – When it’s your turn to speak (which isn’t until you are able to find a two- to three-second pause between thoughts), always think about the right way to respond before you do it. Remember that the more questions you ask and the more you get the other person to talk, the more they’ll feel as if they know, like and trust you.

Don’t Change the Subject – When it is your turn to talk, don’t change the subject. Stick to what the other person is talking about, even if they say something that rubs you the wrong way. If you’re only focused on the topic and not how they choose to express themselves, your overall communication will improve – as will your ability to listen.

Don’t Interrupt – It can be hard when you are with someone who is super-talkative and talks fast, but when you’re focused on being a better listener you don’t want to interrupt people. Let them talk, keep listening, and focus on what they’re saying. When there is a two- to three-second pause, you can lean forward, look them in the eye, gesture with your hand, and then speak when they stop talking.

Being a good listener is an essential skill to develop in life. You will use this skill in all aspects of your life – personal and business. The biggest thing to know is that you want to listen to understand, not so that you can reply. When you start realising that, you’ll do a lot better and become an amazing listener.