Paul Duxbury

Making Room For You

What’s decluttering your home got to do with personal development you might well be wondering? Actually, quite a lot! In the last post I asked you to consider some questions around whether you are living the life you want. Our personal space, home and surroundings can have quite a significant impact on us and in order to live well we often need to think about making room.

Making room is often about decluttering. You may have a house full of stuff and if you look at those belongings honestly, you may realize that they don’t serve you. They don’t make you happy. They don’t solve any problems and they may actually create problems for you. Clutter is actually stressful, so let’s talk about how you can begin to get rid of what’s getting in your way.

Start Slowly

It’s tempting to just rent a dumpster and start getting rid of your stuff. And if that’s really what you want to do, okay. However, a better approach is to systematically go through your home room by room. Take time to consider whether something supports you or whether it’s time to get rid of it. The reason to start slowly is that often when people purge their home in a weekend, they get rid of things that they later need to replace. That’s a waste of your time and money.

Room by Room

Go through your home room by room. If you’re feeling ambitious then start in your most cluttered room. It might be your kitchen or your bedroom.

The Four Pile Approach

Many organization experts recommend making four piles. They are: Keep, Donate, Toss, and Sell. The items you keep are the items that you love, that support you to live your perfect life, and that you know you’ll be using and loving years from now.

Donate items that are in good condition. Toss the broken stuff and the stuff that you know people won’t really want. Sell the items that you can get good money for. Consider holding a yard sale or listing the items on an auction site.

The 10-10-10 Approach

Another approach is to try to donate, sell, and toss ten items each week. Or you can strive to get rid of one thing each day. The approach you take depends largely on your current clutter and your needs.

Create Systems

Once you’ve decluttered, it’s important to make sure that there is an organized space for everything that remains. This means making sure your closets, pantry, and other storage areas are organized and that they support you.

You might wonder why decluttering is so important. Essentially, it gives you a clean slate. It allows you to get rid of the things that are not supporting you to live your best life and it forces you to truly prioritize on the things that you want and need in your life. In the next post we’ll take a look at setting goals so that you’re able to live better with what you have.

Are You Living Well? Asking Questions!

For a growing number of people, “living well” is being redefined. Instead of filling your life with material goods and splurging on luxury items, to them living well means living a life that you love. It’s about living your life on your own terms, free from the constraints of having to fit into a predetermined category, career, or lifestyle.

Living well means designing a life that is rewarding, satisfying, and focused on supporting who you are and what you want from this life. Most people come to this way of thinking after finding themselves surrounded by items that don’t really make them happy. They may have the prettiest house, the best car and the latest designer clothes. But if they’re not happy, then it’s not serving them.

A shift is needed and it begins by living well with what you have. This may mean simplifying. It might mean making major changes. Ultimately, it’s about being happier and creating a life that supports you to be you.

Over the next few posts I want to share tips, steps, and ideas to help you start thinking about ensuring that you are living a life that supports you to be happier with who you are and what you have.

The tips are divided into categories to help you organise your thoughts and start in a place that feels right to you. The categories include the following:

Asking questions
Making room
Setting goals and changing habits
Moving forward

So let’s start where the journey to understanding who we are and who we want to be should begin and that is with asking ourselves some probing questions.

Asking Questions

The first step to knowing what you want and who you are is to start asking questions and providing honest answers. Consider grabbing a pencil and paper or a journal and writing down the questions and your answers.

What do you like about your life?

Take a look at your life. Explore the things that you do, where you work, and how you spend your time. Take a look at the people in your life and the items that you’re surrounded by. What makes you happy? What do you love about your life? If you had to prioritize three aspects of your life, what would they be?

Answering this question will help you begin to see what’s important to you. You might discover that some of the things that you love most are things that you spend very little time on. For example, you may love to travel but realize that traveling is at the bottom of your current priority list.

What could you do without?

Now take a look at your life and explore the elements of your life that you could do without. These might be people, hobbies, habits, and material items. You may find that you are surrounded by things and people that you really don’t care for.

Answering this question will highlight the aspects of your life that may be getting in the way of spending your time and energy on things you love.

How do you spend your time?

Do you spend your time on activities and people that you find rewarding and fulfilling? Or do you spend your time on activities that make you unhappy? Chances are it’s a little bit of both. Spend a week or so tracking how you spend your time. You might even document how much time you spend on each activity.

Answering this question will help you begin to see how you can make changes to your life so that you’re able to spend more time on things that make you feel happy. For example, you might find that you spend eight hours a week cleaning your home and you’d much rather spend that time writing a mystery. You can then begin to find ways to make changes to your lifestyle so that you’re supported to write more and clean less.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Take a little time to assess your own personal strengths and weaknesses. This information will also support you to begin to make positive change in your life. For example, you might know that you are disorganized. You can then take steps to find solutions to help you be more organized, assuming that organization supports you to live a happier life.

What does a perfect day look like?

Imagine your perfect day. We’re not talking about a day being fed bonbons on the French Riviera. That sounds like a perfect day for sure, but it’s not the norm. We’re talking about a normal perfect day for you.

For example, a normal perfect day for someone who aspires to write mysteries might start with an hour of writing, a day at a job they love, and then time in the evening with loved ones relaxing, talking, laughing and reading.

What currently supports you?

Take a look around you. What currently supports you to move your life toward your description of a perfect day? This can be anything from material possessions to people. For example, the person who wants to write more and clean less might be supported by a partner who is happy to clean a little more, or a vacant space in the house might be easily converted to a writing office.

What doesn’t support you?

Taking a look at your surroundings in a different manner will help you see what’s getting in your way. A large house that needs a lot of cleaning may be something that doesn’t support the aspiring writer.

A giant car payment for the person who wants to cut back on overtime and work less is another example. A £20 a week coffee shop habit for the person who is struggling to pay off debt and obtain financial freedom is a third example. You get the idea. What’s preventing you from living your perfect day?

These questions are difficult to answer and it may take you a few days, even a week or two, to answer them all as completely and honestly as possible. Once you’ve answered the questions, you can begin to start making changes to your life.

In the next post I will ask you to take a look at the concept of making room in your life so that you can live well with what you have.

Be Aware – Be Assertive

How assertive are you? People with low self-esteem often have difficulty going after what they want in life. They fear judgment, ridicule, and failure. They’re not assertive. Being assertive and having healthy self-esteem go hand in hand. When you increase one, you automatically increase the other. Learning to have better self-esteem and learning to be more assertive will help you both personally and professionally.

1. Start Small

Assertiveness is like a muscle. It gets bigger with exercise. However, you don’t want to go out and try to deadlift 500 pounds. You won’t succeed, it’ll hurt, and the disappointment may keep you from trying again. Instead, start with something that you know you can do. For example, if the host at a restaurant places you near the kitchen, practice assertiveness and ask for a different table. As you begin to use that skill and you learn to process the response you receive from your requests, you’ll become more comfortable and more confident – it’ll boost your self-esteem.

2. Release Guilt

One of the reasons that many people justify not asking for what they want or need is that they feel guilty. They worry about being a bother or annoying someone. Let that go. Asking for what you want is essential to your wellbeing. It’s not greedy or pushy to ask for what you want and need. If you feel guilty, stop and think about why. Then ask yourself if that guilt is healthy for you and productive. If the answer is no, let it go.

3. Practice Awareness and Assertiveness

Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. As you find yourself wanting something, pay attention to your thought process. Do you think, “Oh, I can’t ask for that? She’ll think I’m…” If you find yourself worrying about what other people are thinking about you, ask yourself if those thoughts and concerns are reasonable and relevant. If the hostess thinks you’re high maintenance, does it really matter?

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk to yourself like you talk to a friend or a beloved family member. What would you say to them if they were afraid to ask for what they wanted? Tell yourself the same thing! Treat yourself like you’d treat a loved one. Healthy self-esteem is a process of paying attention to what you want and need, and honouring that.

How To Stop Taking Criticism So Personally

How do you feel when someone criticises you? If you’re like many people then your reaction and response depend on a number of factors. It may depend on who is criticizing you. Your mood that day and disposition can also play an important role. Of course it can also depend on how they criticize you and what they’re commenting on.

Regardless of the situation, you can change your reaction to the criticism. You can learn to control your emotional reaction to criticism and not let it impact your self-esteem.

1. Evaluate the Source

When you’re receiving criticism it’s important to evaluate the source. A perfect stranger posting a comment online is much different than hearing something negative from your significant other. The deliverer of the criticism is important. What’s equally as important is the motivation for their criticism. Are they trying to help or hurt? Understanding the source of the criticism can help you frame it better.

2. Look for the Benefit

Assuming that the feedback is coming from someone who is trying to help, then focus on what you have to gain from the criticism. For example, a writer who hears from their editor that the dialogue feels forced can take that information and improve their dialogue. They can become a better writer. There is power in listening to criticism.

3. Detach from the Feedback

What other people think about your skills, characteristics, knowledge and so on actually has no impact on who you are as a person. Their opinion isn’t your reality – it’s theirs. And vice versa – just because you think someone is cruel doesn’t make them cruel. Detach from the feedback and remember that it doesn’t define you. You define you.

Feedback and criticism can be difficult to take under any circumstances. Remember who you are. Learn from the feedback and remember to pay attention to the person delivering the criticism. How much does their opinion really matter to you?

One characteristic of good self-esteem is the willingness to be assertive and to go after what you want. In my next post I will take a look at how to be more assertive.

Can You Have Too Much Self-esteem?

Can you have too much self-esteem? The answer is yes. There is a thin line between having self-esteem and being narcissist. So how do you find the balance? How do you make sure you have just enough self-esteem to live a happy, fulfilling, and productive life? Let’s start by taking a look at the definition of narcissism.

What Is a Narcissist and How Much Self-Esteem Is Too Much?

Interestingly enough, a narcissist can be someone who has very fragile self-esteem. The definition of a narcissist is, “A person with a mental disorder where they have an inflated sense of their own self-importance.” They wear a mask of self-confidence and self-esteem. In fact, most narcissists are vulnerable to criticism. They need to feel admired and beloved and usually have a tremendous lack of empathy for others.

Narcissists have too much self-esteem. SO how much is too much? If you’re unable to be realistic and in touch with who you are, then you may have too much. It’s about being aware of who you are. If people perceive you as vain, conceited, or pretentious, you may have too much self-esteem. People with heightened self-esteem feel entitled and insist on having the best of everything – they feel they deserve it.

Healthy Self-Esteem

There are some sure-fire signs of healthy self-esteem, and these signs or types of behavior are what you want to look for in yourself and in those you bring into your life. They include:

The ability to feel proud of your accomplishments
The ability to act independently
The willingness to laugh at yourself
The ability to accept compliments, and the willingness to give them
The willingness to accept responsibility for your thoughts and actions
The ability to accept challenges with enthusiasm
Knowing you’re worthwhile
Knowing you’re in control of your life
The willingness to express yourself and a willingness to listen to others express themselves
An ability to work through challenges, frustrations, and problems
The ability to hear criticism and not take it personally

Most people don’t have too much self-esteem. The vast majority of people have healthy self-esteem or low self-esteem. If you or someone you know has too much, it’s a good idea to visit a physician. But if you’re like most folks, then you could probably use some help with your self-esteem.

In my next post I want to tackle one of the biggest challenges to healthy self-esteem. We’re talking about criticism and how to not take it personally!

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