personal development Archives - Page 13 of 16

Are You Scared Of Success?

In my last post I looked at the question of the fear of failure which can be paralyzing. However, the fear of success can be equally so. At the heart of the fear of success is the fear of change. Change, after all, is stressful, even when it’s a change that you work hard to achieve.

What Fear of Success Looks Like

Fear of success really is the fear of the changes that come with success. Success can come with a higher degree of responsibility, for example. A successful person has to make more decisions concerning money, people and other matters. Fear of success can cause you to shy away from success because you fear the additional responsibility that you would have to shoulder.

You may fear success due to a fear of a higher degree of scrutiny than you currently have to deal with. With a higher profile, any future failures get more publicity. That is true whether your greater visibility is on the pages of a fan magazine or in the corridors of your office building.

Fear of success also arises because of the fear of interpersonal changes. Maybe you are afraid of losing friendships if you are promoted or become more successful, or of having to deal with envy or jealousy of old friends or family members. You may fear developing a reputation among people as someone who chose money, fame, or a more demanding career over living a more “normal” life. Your overweight friends may resent your commitment to losing weight and re-gaining your health. Some people mistakenly equate success with a lack of spirituality or humility; perhaps you fear the loss of those qualities. Or perhaps the success that you seek would put you in the position of creating enemies and your fear of success stems from that.

People who fear success take steps to avoid it. So they may avoid completing projects or they may take on so much work that they can’t give each project the amount of time necessary for successful completion. People who are afraid of success may talk a lot about what they have done or will do but aren’t currently taking much action. They may second-guess themselves a lot, starting a project, stopping it, re-organizing it, starting it again, but finally never getting it done. They may try every diet that comes along, lose some weight, then abandon it and gain the weight back. As with many means of self-sabotage, fear of success may cause people to be more distracted than usual.

How to Overcome Your Fear of Success

If fear of success is standing in the way of you reaching your goals, you need to know that there are ways to overcome your fear and allow you to stay on your path to success. First, make an intentional effort to remain positive in your approach to reaching your goal. Remind yourself that change is inevitable and if you don’t choose your change, change will choose you. You have the right to be the one to decide what changes enter your life. So make the decision and pursue it with gusto.

Make it a point to maintain your authenticity. It may happen that you lose some of your old friends if you have a large change in your life because your common ground shifts. But don’t let it be because of your pride. Keep your perspective on life and your sense of humor. Maintain friendly relations with your old friends.

If your fear of success is related to a fear of becoming unspiritual, find a way to maintain your spirituality. Use your religious practice, a course of intentional giving, or whatever is appropriate to your spirituality to guide you. Study the lives of other spiritual people who used their worldly success to make a positive impact in the world.

Think of your success in the larger perspective of the world. Honor the positive impact your success can have on the world and in your life and work hard to make it meaningful. Shying away from making that impact would be a shame.

Finally, accept your ambition to achieve your goal and make your dreams come true. Fear of success, like any of the self-sabotaging techniques, works when your inner self is at odds with your outer self. Help your inner self to accept the decision to set and achieve your goals.

Are You Scared Of Failure?

Fear of failure is an irrational fear that you will not succeed that has so much power over you that it can stop you from moving forward to achieve your goals. Since it paralyzes you from taking action to achieve your goals, it pretty much guarantees that you won’t meet them. So anyone who has a goal to meet or a dream to make come true needs to conquer any fear of failure that may be burdening them.

Inevitably if you are looking for a new job having been made redundant the question “what happens if I don’t find a new job?” is going to surface. So in this quite long post I want to look at what fear of failure looks like but also how to overcome that fear.

What Fear of Failure Looks Like

Fear of failure can stem from negative associations with failure that go back as far as childhood or it can arise after experiencing a harsh episode in which someone felt like a failure.

In the first case, where the fear of failure arises from a long time of feeling inadequate, people with a fear of failure feel a sense of shame at being inadequate or incompetent. Maybe a harsh parent or care-giver magnified small failures they had when they were growing up. Now, they are afraid to try new things or to challenge themselves to achieve success. They give up easily when they encounter a difficulty. They settle for ordinary, mediocre lives instead of reaching for higher opportunities.

In the second case, the fear of failure arises from an important negative experience. Someone may be fired, say, and that causes such trauma that they lack confidence to get another job or to try to pursue a challenging career. Or someone else may have a relationship end in a cruel and hurtful way, so that the result is a fear of moving forward to meet someone else and find love again. The reluctance to act is due to a fear that the painful event will be repeated.

In either case, people with fear of failure shy away from situations in which they don’t think they will be entirely successful. For them, failure isn’t a learning experience. Failure is a shameful experience that feels like the end of the world. As a consequence, they fail at something simply because they never try it. In that way, failure is inevitable; the fear has won.

Fear of failure can lead to other self-sabotaging efforts, such as procrastination and low self-esteem. People with fear of failure may avoid starting new projects, or may start them but then fail to follow through on them. Or sometimes they set out on a project but then subconsciously cause themselves to fail, as though they want to prove to themselves and others that they were right all along – that they would fail at their attempt.

Fear of failure can cause feelings of shame, disappointment, anger, frustration and confusion. And it can lead to physical symptoms, some of which can be pretty scary. You can experience breathing problems like shortness of breath or rapid breathing, stomach problems like nausea or diarrhea, as well as faintness, tremulousness, flushing and excessive perspiration. People experiencing fear of failure may feel an overwhelming, general sense of dread.

How to Overcome Fear of Failure

If you are experiencing serious, debilitating fear of failure, the kind that is destroying your life, you should seek the help of a mental health professional. For more manageable cases, there are some self-help steps that you can take to get your fear of failure under control.

A small group of loving, supportive friends or family members is very helpful when it comes to overcoming fear of failure. They can help you heal your wounds. They can point out the successful qualities that you have but ignore. And they can give you practical advice that helps you to succeed in more challenging environments than you are used to being in.

If you don’t already have people like that in your life, you can look out for support groups in your community. Another self-help step is to do something that you can be pretty sure that you will succeed at, and then build on that, starting with low-stress steps forward. A good singer can join a choir, and even volunteer to do solos. A good dressmaker can make some items for sale at a community or crafts sale, attaching a card with contact information in case the purchaser wants more. By doing something that you are good at, and putting yourself in the position to get some recognition for it, you start to build up your experiences of being a success.

Another way of attacking fear of failure is to analyze it. Discover what it is that you are actually afraid of. Are you afraid that if you ask your boss for a promotion, she will turn you down? Then prepare for the promotion. Document the contributions that you have made to the company. Compare your achievements to others in your role and in the role you seek. Do special projects or take on more responsibilities in anticipation of your request. Make yourself highly promotable. It increases your chances of getting promoted. If, after all that, you still don’t get the promotion, ask for an honest assessment why. Take the response seriously but not personally. The feedback may be what you need to go on to more success.

Finally, the most important means of self-help that you can engage in is the one that takes the most persistent work. That is, to change your relationship to failure. Instead of thinking of failure as a personal flaw that you should be ashamed of, think of it as a learning experience that can help you grow.
Learn to treat failure is a step along the path to success. Do what you are afraid of. You might, after all, succeed. If you succeed, use your success to change your mind about yourself. And if you do fail, examine what happens. Do you die? Do people you love die? In other words, so what if you fail?

Eleanor Roosevelt said it best:

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

Finally, to overcome fear of failure, think of what would happen if you didn’t do the thing you are afraid of. First, the thing wouldn’t get done. Second, the personal growth that you would experience by overcoming your fear of failure wouldn’t take place. And, third, the future as it would exist afterwards won’t exist. The world won’t have been changed in that direction. Are you willing to give your fear that much power? The world will be that much poorer for your contribution. You will be that much poorer for yielding to your fear. If that’s not what you want, don’t let it happen.

Your goals and dreams are as big and as powerful as your fear. Give your goals and dreams the upper hand. Let them conquer your fear.

Improving Your Relationships Online and Offline

We ALL do it. We are so busy and pressured to get everything done that we dash off an email without reading it through, checking the spelling, and so on. Or we make a comment, or what we think is a joke, in an email or on one of the social networks – only to find at the end of our plane flight that our boss has fired us. The young lady who made a racist tweet discovered to her cost that anything you say can and WILL be repeated or passed around online.

In this article, we will discuss some of the major trouble spots in online and offline communication, and how a few simple changes can lead to big results.

Email Relationships

One of the main issues with email is the lack of “tone” of voice that you would get from speaking to someone in person or on the phone. Email lacks the human touch. If you are working in a cubicle-based office where the people on your team are sitting right next to you but you always email, it might be time to get a bit chattier with them in the real world.

If what you need to discuss is something important that includes other people, by all means use email. Or, speak to them and then confirm via email what you understood to be the most important points and action steps.

Before hitting the SEND button, take the time to check over your email to be sure you are as clear as possible and that it is error-free. A good rule of thumb in any corporate communication is to never send an email you would be embarrassed to see posted online.

This is especially true of customer service replies. Customers are the lifeblood of most businesses. Unskillful replies can and do filter to the top of social networks all the time, perhaps tarnishing your reputation or that of your company forever.
One CEO made the mistake of emailing one employee he trusted that he would be offline for a couple of days to deal with some personal problems. When he returned, it was to his worst nightmare. Some of his “trusted employees” had stolen valuable assets, and a larger company was going after him in a hostile takeover bid.

Social Media Strategies

In terms of social media and online discussions, only contribute the bare minimum and never venture any personal information that might be used against you in some way.

If you feel you have something really helpful to say to others, join in. But don’t use the network as a soapbox to spout your own views. Every post or tweet should be about your customers, not you.

If you want to advance your career as an expert in your industry, don’t try to prove it by boasting about your skills and accomplishments. Your expertise will speak for itself when you give intelligent response to a person’s most pressing problems.

Finally, never “flame” anyone on a social network or discussion board, and do not respond in kind if you are. That would lower you to their level. The best thing is to ignore it. If you feel you can’t ignore the flame, simply say that everyone has their own perceptions. Remember, our relationships are as much about what we do as what we don’t do. Be courteous and polite to others and see what a difference it can make to all your business and online relationships.

Are You Living A Lie?

Here’s a quick quiz for you. Answer honestly. Do you feel:

Like you are constantly hiding behind a mask?
Worried that others will not like you?
That if you say no, you are a bad person and will be letting everyone down?
Trapped in a life that does not seem to be your own?
Like you are always comparing yourself to others, with them on top and you on the bottom?
As if you’re finding yourself not good enough, no matter how hard you try?
Afraid that if your boss, co-workers, spouse or children found out “X” about you, they would never look at you in the same way again?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then the likely truth is that you are living a lie.

You are not the only one. It is an easy trap to fall into and can be a deep and difficult one to climb out of. But the effort can be well worth it if the result is a happier, healthier you.

Reasons Why We Could Be Living a Lie

It seems as if almost from the moment we are born, we have a certain role in the family with a certain set of expectations, both spoken and unspoken. Our family and the wider world is telling us who we are supposed to be rather than allow us to express who we really are. Our parents want us to be happy, of course, but we just might not have within us what it takes to be a doctor or lawyer, get accepted to their prestigious alma mater, or follow in their career footsteps.

On the other hand, our parents might have low expectations for us; maybe there’s never been a college graduate in the family, or they did just fine working in a hardware store all their lives and that should be enough for you too.

We get a range of messages about how we are supposed to do, think, and be. Children should be seen and not heard; we must never waste food; we should always clean our plates. Over time, these habits become second nature to us. However, they are not necessarily healthy or helpful if they lead to, for example, being terrified of speaking in public or being vastly overweight.

When we go to school, we might have a teacher who is never satisfied no matter how hard we try. Or we might be told we are not good at X and so we should not even bother to try. We might be bullied over the way we look, dress, speak, or even for being too smart or too stupid at school. Rather than get encouragement or support from the adults who influence our lives, we are told to ‘man up’ or be more ‘ladylike.’

There are now more opportunities for both men and women to defy traditional expectations, but the truth is that we often internalize various unhelpful attitudes and actions as normal and therefore judge ourselves as abnormal or less than perfect if we wish to live our lives differently.

The peer pressure and parental pressure can soon result in us constructing a mask of the ‘perfect’ child, sibling, spouse and so on. As the pressure builds from outside to conform, your own authentic self begins to feel trapped and miserable, like a caged tiger the zoo pacing back and forth, longing to be free.

If you have been living a lie in order to please others, you owe it to yourself to start taking action to live a more authentic life in which your true self can shine through.

Here and on LinkedIn I will be taking a closer look at how we can be more authentic and true to ourselves.

Setting Goals and Changing Habits

After we have spent some time answering questions, reflecting on the answers and as I suggested in the last post doing some decluttering, it’s time to begin making changes to your lifestyle. Let’s take a look at some habits that you may want to embrace, and offer some goal-setting tips to help you get started.

Gratitude

One of the habits that will help you avoid focusing on buying new things, and instead support you to focus on enjoying what you have, is the gratitude habit. You can embrace gratitude in many different ways. You can start each day by thinking about all of the wonderful things you’re grateful for.

You can start a gratitude journal and write in it every day or if like me you already maintain a reflective journal then add some gratitude reflections. You can also start saying thanks in a sincere way to people you encounter during the day.

Replace Your Shopping Habit

How often do you find yourself shopping online? How many times do you buy something on a whim? For many, shopping is a habit and it leads to a home full of unwanted stuff. This is stuff that costs money and gets in the way of you living your ideal life.

There are several ways to become more aware of your spending habits. One of them is to simply stop shopping. Ban or block shopping sites on your computer. You can also find hobbies and activities that replace your shopping habit.

For example, instead of shopping on the weekends or surfing the net while sitting on the couch, start knitting, build a dresser, or join a local sports club. Keep busy so you’re not tempted to shop and spend.

DIY

If it’s broken, you throw it away, right? Not anymore. Instead of replacing items in your home and life that are in need of a little TLC, why not get creative and flex your skills.

DIY is a nice way to add some personality to your home, to provide you with a sense of satisfaction, and to keep items that you love in your possession. Of course, if you’re not handy, then by all means consider having the item repaired instead of throwing it away.

Finally, find and focus on your passions. Find activities and pursuits that make you feel happy and joyful. It can be anything from Genealogy/Family History Research, making homemade wine to writing travel books to building websites – and everything in between.

Living well with what you have isn’t just focused on clearing out material items; it’s also about clearing away the pursuits and tasks that don’t bring you joy. Sure, no day is without some menial tasks. However, if the bulk of your life is spent on pursuits that make you smile, then you’re living well.
Moving Forward

Once you’ve begun to envision a simpler life – one that is full of meaning and is defined by you as good living – then it’s time to start taking steps toward that vision. The first step is to commit to your path. If you want to live well with what you have, then you have to commit to it.

That may mean different things for different people. On a fundamental level it means not adding more clutter and distractions to your life. It may also mean making major changes to your life. For example, you might decide to downsize your home and/or move towns. Or start a new job.

Committing to changing your life is the first step, so what’s the second? It’s to start setting small goals to help you transition toward that life. Small goals might be anything, such as cleaning out your closet and only keeping clothes that you wear and love. It might mean taking a class that will help you start a new career. Start setting those goals and create a plan to follow through.

Finally, the third step is to begin living your life right now as if you’re already successful. You’ve envisioned your ideal day. You’ve made a list of the things and people that support you as well as lists about your strengths, weaknesses, and the things that don’t support you. You have a good idea about how you want to live your life.

Start living as if you’ve already achieved your goals. This is important because it causes a shift in your mindset. Instead of saying that you’re trying to live well with what you have, say that you are living well with what you have. Instead of saying that you want to write a mystery book, say that you are writing a mystery book. See the difference?

Approaching your life as if you’re already achieved your goals empowers you to actually take steps each day to make it true. When you cut down to the “essentials” and what’s most important to you in your life, you may be surprised at what it takes to make you truly happy.