personal development Archives - Page 9 of 16

Where Do Our Beliefs and Values Come From?

As I search for a new role as a Learning and Development Professional one of the things I have been reflecting on is how important it is for me that there is an alignment between my values and beliefs and the type of organisation I want to work for. That has set me pondering on where our beliefs and values come from.

The AISLES Framework

An aisle is a passageway. The AISLES framework is a useful model that helps explain where our beliefs and values come from and how they set us on certain paths in life. AISLES stands for:

Authority – an authority figure tells you what to think: parent, teacher, religious figure
Intuition – your subconscious or gut instinct, based on your observations of the world
Science – information, verifiable facts and data
Logic – the conclusions you draw in relation to observations, information, and various data
Emotion –your feelings about yourself and the world around you
Senses – the data you are given by your five senses (sight, sound, smell, taste and touch), and your personal experience of the world

You can also say that some of these sources are internal, coming from within you, while others are external, coming from others and forming and shaping your ideas, feelings and perceptions.

The Importance of Our Beliefs

Our beliefs are important because they have a direct impact on the path we choose to travel and in particular, whether or not we will be successful on that path. If we are to feel happy in what we are doing then our beliefs and values have to be compatible with what we do.

For example, imagine that you have very pushy parents who really want you to become a doctor. You study hard at school to please them and you get high grades, but deep down you know your passion lies elsewhere. Being a doctor is a very worthy calling but it is not for everyone. Your inner as well as outer truth need to be in alignment in order for you to give yourself fully to what you are doing and draw real satisfaction from it.

Parental Influences

Our parents or those who bring us up during our childhood have a direct impact on our beliefs from a very young age, for better and for worse. A hypercritical parent will make their child feel they can never do anything right. An overindulgent parent will make their child feel they can never do anything wrong. A happy medium is best – telling your child when they have done wrong so they learn from their mistakes and don’t do it again.

Social Pressure

Society also places pressures upon us that shape our beliefs and values. They can make it hard going if we don’t conform to what is expected of us. For example, from talking to many American friends there is a general consensus that lots of people in the US believe they should live in a lovely house with a white picket fence and 2.4 kids. So what happens to those of us who want to travel the world with just a back pack, have a different sexuality, want to stay single, or simply don’t want children?

Many people face the pressure to get a 9 to 5 job, though that is changing a lot thanks to the internet. Having said that, most parents, friends and family would probably try to talk you out of touring the world with a rock band or becoming a novelist. These careers don’t seem like “real” jobs. They are also too financially uncertain. Yet when you are on stage, you feel as though you are your best self, living your best life. Or you love to write and your heart sings as you write your novels.

Family and social pressures can hold us back from manifesting the life of our dreams. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Challenge Your Beliefs

The person you were when you were 5 is not the same person you are at 25, 45, or 65. Humans constantly grow, change, adapt, and strike off in new directions. Challenge your beliefs and see what a difference they can make to being the happy person you want to be.

The Upside of Negative Emotions

In the previous post I looked at Dealing with Negativity and while none of us enjoys negative emotions, thoughts and feelings, these dark clouds can often have a silver lining. If we are willing to pay attention to them and go through a learning process, and thereby determine what this negativity has to teach you.

Trust Your Intuition

Negative emotions can be useful to help us trust our intuition. When we are younger, we might be told we are wrong about a certain thing or person, even though deep down in our gut we feel something isn’t right.

We might meet a person and dislike them instantly and not really know why. Sometimes we can change our minds, but often first impressions can be the correct ones.

We tend to reason things through rather than pay attention to our emotions. Learning to trust your intuition is often the best way to manifest a better life for yourself. If head and heart or intuition are in conflict, examine the negative thoughts to see if they have any validity or basis in reality.

Make Important Changes

Negative emotions can often spur you to make the changes you really need to make in your life in order to manifest your best life. For example, if you have been wanting to quit smoking for some time, but never gotten around to it, dating a new person who hates smoking might make you feel bad for a while, but it might also make you more focused on committing yourself to the change.

Heal the Past

Sometimes negative emotions can come up right out of the blue without any warning signs. You might be lying on a beach enjoying yourself and all of a sudden you got this terrible feeling washing over you that something isn’t right.

In many cases, it will be historical. Something triggers a memory of something negative that happened to you in the past. This usually happens for a reason and can be very beneficial if you pay attention to it rather than try to run away from the bad feeling.

You may not realize that this aspect of your life needs to be healed until the negative emotion signals to you that something needs to be processed and dealt with – if you wish to move on as a stronger and happier person.

Most of us hate negative emotions and want to escape from them as soon as possible. However, sitting with them and reflecting on them can often lead us to significant breakthroughs that can help to move forward in a positive way.

Dealing With Negativity

As I was discussing with a friend this morning however positive we might be there are times when those negative feelings do surface and we need to learn to deal with them. I know all too well from my job search activity for a new role as a Learning and Development Professional that when you get the call that says you have “just missed out” on the role you were interviewed for that it can be all too easy to focus on the negative rather than the positive!

It is easy to become negative when there is so much stress at work and home, and every time we look at the news we can feel that the world is truly turbulent. Negativity can soon become a habit if you don’t take action to try to look on the brighter side of things. This does not mean you have to be a Pollyanna and be cheerful all the time, but with her “glad game”, she did have a point.

In the modern world, we would call it cultivating an attitude of gratitude. We might also call it reframing.

1. Being Grateful for What You Have

Instead of focusing on what you are lacking (the glass half empty), focus on and appreciate what you do have (the glass half full). You can make lists each day of a few things you are grateful for, to remind you of how fortunate you are compared with others.

2. Reframing Your Thoughts

The glass half empty versus half full is a good example of reframing. It is all a question of perspective.

For example, you might be annoyed that your boss has come to you with a last-minute rush job that is going to mean you have to stay late. You could resent and curse him (or her) under your breath. Or, you could view it as a positive. You should be flattered that the boss is turning to you for help because he knows you can get it done. You might also welcome it as a chance to show what you can do under pressure, which might one day lead to a promotion.

3. Tuning Out Negative Self-Talk

Another form of negativity most people need to learn how to cut down on is negative self-talk. If you are always criticizing yourself over the least little thing, it’s time for a change of perspective. Reframing can help here too.

Instead of focusing on the negative, try to see the positive. “I am bad at math” may be true, but you could look at it in a positive way and say, “But I can always work at it a little more so I can improve” or, “But I am really good at art.”

4. Silence Your Critics

If you have people in your life who tend to nag, criticize, or generally push your buttons, it’s time to tune them out. Either spend less time with them, tell them thanks for their feedback, or change the subject. Use any effective strategy that will stop you engaging in their negativity.

Try these strategies and see if they make a difference to your outlook on life.

Being Resilient – You Are Not Alone!

Remember You are Not Alone! In the final post in this short series on being resilient I wanted to look at how we can call on those we know to support us because we do not have to deal with things on our own.

In times of crisis, you can believe that you have to go it alone, but look around at your family, friends and Personal Learning Network and you will probably find that you can put together a support team and lean on them as needed. You might have a mentor, coach or role model who can help guide you through the situation. Or, you can learn all you can and come up with an action plan for dealing with whatever situation has arisen.

Whenever something challenging happens to us, we can feel as if we are the only person in the world that it has ever happened to. The truth is, it has probably happened to many other people as well and they too have had to learn about being resilient. Examples include being made redundant, divorce, the loss of a loved one, a fire destroying our home, and so on. Fortunately, there are trained professionals who have experience dealing with these issues.

There are also ordinary people who have faced the same issues and come out the other side having learned a lot of valuable lessons about being resilient along the way. You might be able to connect with them in person via local support groups, or meet up with them online and share experiences.

For example, it can be really tough to be diagnosed with a serious illness, such as cancer. Going online to learn as much as you can about your condition and treatment options is often one of the best ways to get a good outcome. Reading successful treatment stories can give you a positive outlook, which can lead to a better outcome.

If one of your family members becomes ill, you might suddenly be thrust into the role of a caregiver, a gatekeeper who learns about all of the aspects of the condition, and a cheerleader as you try to put a brave face on things for the sake of your sick loved one. All of this can lead to stress and caregiver burnout if you don’t pace yourself and take steps to ensure you get the support you need.

Being resilient does not mean going it alone. It means knowing what you need, asking for it, and doing your best no matter what the situation, through the smart choices you make. Over time, even the toughest situations will become easier because you have developed resilience.

Final Thoughts

Many people think how fortunate some people are because they appear so resilient, and make it seem so easy to cope with even the worst times. They look as though they are always in charge, and have their act together no matter what life throws at them.

The truth is that the road to being resilient is about developing a set of skills and a mental attitude. They are skills you can develop if you are willing to put in the effort to work on your preparedness in the face of tough situations. Only by dealing with challenges can you rise to them, and become a more resilient person able to succeed in life no matter what the odds.

How We Can Be More Resilient

Having looked in my last post at the sort of situations that can require us to be more resilient I know want to look at some of the factors that can contribute to resilience. If you already possess them, that’s great. If you don’t, then it might be time to work on them. I know as someone who is currently looking for a new role as a Learning and Development Professional they are areas that I am very focused on.

Close Family and Community

Studies have shown that one of the primary factors in developing resilience is having caring and supportive relationships within the family, and outside of it as well. Solid role models you can rely on will help. So too will having a network of people you trust who will offer encouragement, constructive feedback and opinions without trying to smother you.

This kind of support gives you the self-confidence to bounce back when times get tough. It can also take you out of yourself as you care for others in return, being the strong one when circumstances present themselves and need to be dealt with calmly and practically.

Goal-Oriented

Resilient people set goals for themselves, then take steps to achieve them. They follow through. They also tend to be good communicators who say what they mean and mean what they say.

They are practical, but also see the potential in situations and people. They don’t have tunnel vision, but rather, an image of what they wish their future to be like. That image drives them towards success and prevents setbacks from making them give up completely.

They accept that change is a part of living, and that even if one door closes, another will open. They aren’t afraid to make the most of opportunities that arise. Even if the make a wrong decision or “fail”, they learn from their mistakes and move on, usually stronger than before.

A resilient person knows the difference between things they can change and things they can’t, and applies their energy accordingly. They don’t stick their head in the sand, but face their problems head on. They don’t keep trying the same ineffective strategy over and over again hoping they will eventually get a different result.

Emotionally Aware

Resilient people also tend to be emotionally aware. They are able to manage strong feelings and impulses without being overwhelmed by them. They often possess high emotional intelligence as well, understanding the thoughts, feelings and difficulties others are going through. They go out of their way to help people, confident in their own ability to give assistance to others in some way. They don’t just give a fish; they teach people how to fish so that they too can be resilient.

Resilient people have a positive outlook on life, not a negative one. They don’t see problems; they see challenges that can be overcome. They look forward to the future with confidence, secure in the knowledge that they have faced tough times before and will be able to do so again whenever they arise.

Studies show that those with a sense of humor also tend to be more resilient. They can find something amusing in even the toughest situations. The laughter removes stress and helps them soldier on.

Good Self-Care

Resilient people also practice good self-care. They don’t neglect themselves to the point where they are running on an empty fuel tank. They eat right, exercise, manage stress, and allow themselves some personal time and space.

They understand that if they don’t look after themselves first, they won’t be able to care for others. They want to be their best self and live their best life. They set themselves self-improvement tasks that they follow through with.

Able to Learn and Grow

Resilient people look for opportunities to learn and grow. They trust their instincts and visualize their actions as being a path to success. Many resilient people meditate, journal, keep a vision board, and tackle their to-do lists like pros.

They are good at time management and are dependable and responsible. This in turn means less stress and less difficulty because they are not causing themselves problems through, for example, procrastination and other bad habits.

In Control of One’s Life

Above all, a resilient person feels that they are in control of their life no matter what happens. They might not have a choice about what happens, but they do have a choice about how to react to it. They explore their choices in an effort to make smart decisions.

The modern world is full of stressful situations, both great and small. From being cut road on the road on our way to work, to the loss of a job or death of a loved one, events happen to us every day that we need to cope with. Freaking out will rarely help. Neither will burying your head in the sand and hoping it will go away.

Resilience is all about making an active decision and sticking to it. If someone cuts you off, you have two choices: get angry and perhaps make the situation worse, or decide it’s not worth getting upset about and not dwelling on it.

Similarly, the loss of a job can be devastating to some people, or a golden opportunity – depending on one’s perspective. If you were working long hours every day at the job and were never appreciated, being made redundant could be the best thing that ever happened to you. It can free you up for all new and even better opportunities. If you act like it’s a disaster and the end of the world, you will only be making a tough situation worse.

Similarly, we hate to see anyone we care about suffer, but you can either get upset, or get information about the situation and see what your options are. Your “Oh, no!” can become, “Yes, this is tough, but I am going to do my best to deal with this.”

In the next post in this short series I will take a look at how we can create a supportive network for ourselves and get the support we need.