Self Development Archives - Page 5 of 6

I Want To Be Alone!

Earlier today I was talking with Rachel Burnham about how sometimes we need to find time in our busy schedules just to be alone with ourself which set me thinking about why this is important. I believe that spending time alone is good for you. In fact, there are so many benefits to being alone occasionally that if you’re not doing it now, it’s something that you should schedule into your days.

1. It’s Important to Enjoy Your Own Company – If you’re someone who thinks that person at the corner café reading a book alone is lonely, think again. Being alone can be very meditative, enabling you to just be without having to entertain anyone. When you can learn to be in the moment with yourself, you’ll be a better friend to others too.

2. Alone Time Encourages Creativity – When you’re alone, it’s easier to get into a creative space so that you can think of new ways to do things. It’s only when you can be alone and centered that you can come up with the best ideas, due to the lack of distractions getting in the way of your thoughts and ideas.

3. You’ll Get More Done – There is no doubt that if you also turn off electronics when you’re alone, you’ll get more tasks done than if you’re with others. With no one to distract you to do something else, you’ll be amazed at how much you can get done in one hour alone compared to five hours with a friend.

4. It’s a Great Way to Recharge – Anytime you’re feeling stressed out, try getting even 10 minutes alone to just breathe. Take a brisk walk. If you have to, take a long shower. Do what you can to spend some time alone to revive your mind and body.

5. Helps Improve Depression Symptoms – Studies have shown that spending time alone can help improve problems with depression. Some people think it’s the opposite, but that’s not true. That’s why teenagers often need a lot of time alone in their room. It helps them deal with the stress of the world in a healthy way.

6. Enables You to Clear Your Mind – Do you have too much noise in your brain to focus? Go take a few deep breaths alone. It will only take a few moments. It’s better if you can find an hour or so a day of alone time but if you can’t, even a few moments to breathe can help you clear your mind.

7. You Can Better Let Go of Stress – Some stress that we experience in life is caused by too much activity, too many people, and too much pressure on your time. If you schedule in alone time, you’ll find that you deal with that stress while it’s happening so much better.

8. You Can Do Anything You Want To – The fact is, if you choose an hour a day to spend alone, you can do whatever you want with that time. You can sit there and stare at the wall, or you can meditate, take a walk, exercise or even watch your favorite TV show without interruption. It’s totally up to you how you spend your alone time.

There are enormous benefits to spending time alone. It’s not lonely. There doesn’t need and shouldn’t be activity continuously happening with tons of people around at all times. Human beings aren’t built to always be “on”. Sometimes we need to shut down – and not just at bedtime. If you want to be healthier, happier, and a more well-rounded person, try to schedule in alone time each day.

Where Do Our Beliefs and Values Come From?

As I search for a new role as a Learning and Development Professional one of the things I have been reflecting on is how important it is for me that there is an alignment between my values and beliefs and the type of organisation I want to work for. That has set me pondering on where our beliefs and values come from.

The AISLES Framework

An aisle is a passageway. The AISLES framework is a useful model that helps explain where our beliefs and values come from and how they set us on certain paths in life. AISLES stands for:

Authority – an authority figure tells you what to think: parent, teacher, religious figure
Intuition – your subconscious or gut instinct, based on your observations of the world
Science – information, verifiable facts and data
Logic – the conclusions you draw in relation to observations, information, and various data
Emotion –your feelings about yourself and the world around you
Senses – the data you are given by your five senses (sight, sound, smell, taste and touch), and your personal experience of the world

You can also say that some of these sources are internal, coming from within you, while others are external, coming from others and forming and shaping your ideas, feelings and perceptions.

The Importance of Our Beliefs

Our beliefs are important because they have a direct impact on the path we choose to travel and in particular, whether or not we will be successful on that path. If we are to feel happy in what we are doing then our beliefs and values have to be compatible with what we do.

For example, imagine that you have very pushy parents who really want you to become a doctor. You study hard at school to please them and you get high grades, but deep down you know your passion lies elsewhere. Being a doctor is a very worthy calling but it is not for everyone. Your inner as well as outer truth need to be in alignment in order for you to give yourself fully to what you are doing and draw real satisfaction from it.

Parental Influences

Our parents or those who bring us up during our childhood have a direct impact on our beliefs from a very young age, for better and for worse. A hypercritical parent will make their child feel they can never do anything right. An overindulgent parent will make their child feel they can never do anything wrong. A happy medium is best – telling your child when they have done wrong so they learn from their mistakes and don’t do it again.

Social Pressure

Society also places pressures upon us that shape our beliefs and values. They can make it hard going if we don’t conform to what is expected of us. For example, from talking to many American friends there is a general consensus that lots of people in the US believe they should live in a lovely house with a white picket fence and 2.4 kids. So what happens to those of us who want to travel the world with just a back pack, have a different sexuality, want to stay single, or simply don’t want children?

Many people face the pressure to get a 9 to 5 job, though that is changing a lot thanks to the internet. Having said that, most parents, friends and family would probably try to talk you out of touring the world with a rock band or becoming a novelist. These careers don’t seem like “real” jobs. They are also too financially uncertain. Yet when you are on stage, you feel as though you are your best self, living your best life. Or you love to write and your heart sings as you write your novels.

Family and social pressures can hold us back from manifesting the life of our dreams. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Challenge Your Beliefs

The person you were when you were 5 is not the same person you are at 25, 45, or 65. Humans constantly grow, change, adapt, and strike off in new directions. Challenge your beliefs and see what a difference they can make to being the happy person you want to be.

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence

As I have observed in my recent posts the concept of emotional intelligence (EI) has become a hot topic of psychological research in recent years, as a way of explaining why some people seem to manage their relationships at home and in the workplace better than others. Instead of Intelligence Quotient (IQ), researchers began to study Emotional Quotient (EQ) – the ability to manage your own emotions and “read” those of others accurately. So why is emotional intelligence so important?

Importance at Home

The advantages of understanding the emotions of others in relation to your home life are obvious. Good EI skills mean better communication, and better communication will usually lead to greater harmony and intimacy in terms of romance. In relation to parents, it will lead to more successful establishment of your independence and overall personality. You won’t need to live according to the labels you’ve been given, such as “mother’s little helper” or “the man of the house.”

Once you become a parent, you will be able to avoid the pitfalls of labeling your children, and allow them to develop and grow according to their talents and interests, not yours. Most parents would love it if their children grew up to be doctors, for example, due to that profession’s perceived status and money-earning potential. However, if you child is not the least bit interested in science and shows no compassion for others, trying to steer their career in that direction would be a disaster for the parties concerned.

Knowing yourself is the best first step to knowing others, so if you’ve been struggling at home, it might be time to assess your EI.

Importance in the Workplace

EI has become of great interest in relation to the workplace. Businesses are made up of people, and the most successful business people have been shown to have high EI – not just intelligence in relation to their career or industry.

As with personal relationships, EI in professional relationships starts with self-awareness. Once we understand our emotions, we can control them and express them in a skillful, not harmful way. We can also understand the thoughts, feelings and points of view of others, and be able to respond to their issues appropriately.

Importance in General

EI is important for a number of reasons:

Mental health and wellbeing – Mastering EI puts us in control of our mind and emotions. It resolves issues from the past and gives us confidence to move toward a better future.
Physical health – Being in control of your emotions puts you in control of your life, cutting down on stress and conflict. This means less wear and tear on your body and better health.
Better communication – If you say what you mean, mean what you say, and become a better communicator who is able to pick up up verbal and non-verbal cues, you will be able to make more connections and reduce conflict.
Better conflict resolution – Even if conflicts do arise despite your increased EI, chances are that they will be easier to resolve because you will be better able to come up with a range of ways to end the issue before it gets out of hand.
More success – Getting along better with others means a smoother path to greater success.
Better negotiating skills – Better EI will improve your negotiating skills, so you will be able to come up with “win-win” deals everyone will be happy with.
Better leadership skills – A leader who is calm, cool, collected, and good at working with others is one other people will be willing to follow. Improve your EI and see what a difference it can make to your life.

Are Some People More Emotionally Intelligent Than Others?

The concept of IQ (Intelligence Quotient) has been around for decades. However, the idea of EQ (Emotional Quotient) or EI (Emotional Intelligence) became popular in the 1990s as a way of assessing why some people were more successful in the workplace than others. Knowledge from books is important, of course, but researchers noticed that the top performers in their careers all had certain characteristic in common.

They were:

Self-aware
Self-controlled
Able to act appropriate to the emotion being felt
Relating to others effectively, such as showing sympathy and empathy
Relating to others in a range of social situations, such as one-on-one, meetings, team projects, negotiations
A “people person” rather than an ideas person

Research showed that some people had more EI than others. Those who were lacking in EI tended to be in the lowest percentile in terms of work performance, and researchers posited that the personal relationships of underachievers were as difficult as their professional ones.

Learning EI

The good news is that EI can be developed with some focus and discipline. Each of the components above can be learned and improved upon. Working on becoming your best self is always a good idea for the sake of your own personal fulfillment. Working on EI can have the added benefits of improving your career and going from low man on the ladder to the top rung.

How is this possible, you may ask? It’s because in the process of improving your EI, you will become the kind of person who can “win friends and influence people.” People do business with people they like. Becoming more self-aware and self-controlled can serve as the gateway to getting along with others better, and being perceived as someone to be admired and even guided by.

In the same way that some people seem to be born leaders while others study leadership and take action to gain leadership positions, you can learn more about your own emotions in order to maximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.
Understanding what makes others tick, being a good listener and problem solver, a team player and a someone in control and not freaking out no matter what happens, are all signs not just of a reliable colleague, but a leader as well – a person others look to for guidance if and when things start to go wrong.

Studying your own emotions can help you learn how to manage them. Note the word “manage,” not “suppress.” No one is expecting you to be a block of wood, but in the workplace, those who can manage their emotions and not fly off the handle (for example) will stand out compared to those who are not able to rein themselves in.

Observing body language in yourself, and facial expression if you look in the mirror, will all give you guidance on the kind of image you are conveying to others. Are you coming off as warm and friendly, or cold, aloof, and arrogant? Are you really just shy? If you feel you are shy, what is making you hold back from others?

Reading the body language and facial expressions of colleagues, bosses, important business contacts, and so on, can help you get through even tricky situations and negotiations because you will be more alert, aware and tuned in to others. Most people don’t like used car salesmen because they’re so pushy. They only care about the sale, not the purchaser. Conveying care and other higher motivations such as improving their lives will create a win-win situation for everyone.

If you’re feeling stuck in your relationships, spend more time on your EI and see what a difference it can make in your life.

Practical Emotional Intelligence Examples

Emotional intelligence, or EI, involves understanding your emotions and the emotions of the people around you. Emotional awareness can help in many different situations at home, at school, and at work.

EI occurs on a number of levels. It involves the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions, and to be able to read the emotions of others in order to deal with them in an appropriate manner.

Our emotions are important in relationships, of course, but having empathy and understanding for others greases the wheels of communication and closeness. An emotionally intelligent person is easier to deal with than one lacking in EI for a number of reasons. Those with high EI are good at:

Managing difficult situations
Expressing themselves clearly and honestly
Controlling their emotions
Gaining respect from others, who admire their cool head and control
Influencing other people, such as in a leadership position because they lead by example
Working well as a team
Listening
Supporting

There are a number of example that demonstrate a person with high EI in action. By assessing yourself and looking at effective examples, you can boost your own EI and enjoy better success in your professional and personal relationships.

1. Anger Management

Anger management is a key skill that will help all your relationships. Note the word management, not suppression. Feeling angry is only natural. It’s how you express, or choose not to express, your anger that is crucial.

Examples of EI so anger does not run away with you include:

Counting to ten.
Telling the person you need some time to think and you will speak to them later.
Focusing on long, deep breathing so your breath doesn’t come in gasps and you can stay relaxed.
Using meditation to calm yourself.
Using visualization. Think of your favorite calming view.
Seeing the situation from the other person’s viewpoint.
Focusing on solving the problem in a practical way, rather than letting emotions get the better of you.

2. Understanding Body Language

Sometimes what is not said is as important as what is spoken. Body language can speak volumes, whether you realize it or not. Standing with your arms folded or with your body turned to the side is very off-putting to people and distances you from them. If you see someone standing like that when you are speaking to them, then they are not engaging with you on a deeper level.

By reading their body language and facial expressions, you can start to understand what others are really thinking and feeling, which can help with better communication and deal making.

A few things to watch out for include:

Hands on hips, fists clenched, red face = anger
Relaxed eye contact, smiling, sitting in a comfortable way = happy
Pacing, nail biting, tapping = anxiety
Eyes, face and posture all drooping = sadness

3. Dealing with Difficult People

Sooner or later, you are going to have to deal with difficult people. EI can help you navigate stormy waters successfully. Here are a few strategies for success you can try.

Know your communication style – is it relaxed and informal or uptight and formal?
Know their communication style and adapt yours to theirs.
Don’t jump to conclusions – get all the facts.
Be honest no matter what.
Don’t play the blame game. Pointing fingers is rarely helpful and could cause you to lose face even though you might not be the one who is in the wrong.
Don’t run on empty. Take care of your emotional and physical needs first. Eat right, take bathroom breaks, have a drink of water or beverage, and then tackle the issue.

Use these examples and others of good EI, and see what a difference they can make to all your relationships.