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Embrace The Stillness In Life

Why not make some time in your life to embrace the stillness? There’s no doubt that we live in a fast-paced world that seems to be getting faster with every passing moment. The internet and the explosion of social media sites has connected us in ways we never imagined. Sometimes there seems to be no respite from it as people reach out to each other any time the mood strikes that. That can make it difficult to have time for yourself. Embrace the stillness, and you can gain back your peace of mind.

Embrace the Stillness

You can think of stillness in multiple ways. One way to think of it is as the word suggests. You don’t move. You merely reflect on the day’s activities in a quiet room, away from all distractions. You can do this for extended periods, or you can do it in small increments of time. Both will benefit you.

You may consider this to be a form of meditation. However, meditation is a more formalized set of techniques. It often takes people several tries to gain the benefits of meditation and some people never succeed. Stillness, by contrast, will deliver immediate benefits. Anyone can reflect on their day wherever they are. You could be in a car, and even though you may be moving, you experience stillness within it. Naturally, you’ll find this will work just as well as when you are stationary.

Of course, if you feel you want to go through the learning process of meditation, it can bring tremendous benefits to you. It can give you the peace of mind you seek. If you are a beginner, you should consider using guided meditation. That can be a quicker way to get you in the right place with your meditation sessions. Make sure you choose an experienced guide.

You can also think of stillness of in a more metaphorical sense. For instance, if you spend every weekend visiting family or participating in other events, staying at home can be thought of as a way to be still. You may continue to move around, but you can capture the peace of not having to go out and travel.

Sometimes, observing the stillness in life can bring about significant benefits. For instance, if you are by a lake and the waves are calm, you can get lost in the moment and feel at peace. For me spending some time sat quietly on the edge of the Japanese Garden at Tatton Park has an incredibly calming effect.

It’s the same effect as watching a beautiful sunset. Also, observe the people in your life and take note of those who are relaxed and serene. Try to determine how they get to that point and use the same techniques. You can ask them directly how they achieve their serenity and they may be able to help you. Go on, take some time to embrace the stillness!

Skills You Need to Have a Difficult Conversation

Having recently started a new role I have been having lots of conversations as I get to know the business and the challenges that individuals face. As with any business, change is a constant and one of the things that people tell me they find most challenging is some of the potentially difficult conversations that they find themselves needing to have.

That set me reflecting on the skills we need to have in order to be able to deal with those difficult conversations and how to ensure they go well. Over the next few posts I want to explore that in a little more detail and in this first post in the serious I will look at the skills we need.

Throughout life, there come times where we must have difficult conversations with others. No one really wants to, because most people do not like confrontation. And while difficult conversations are never easy, if you avoid them there are still consequences which can often be much worse than just having the conversation to start with.

Think of it this way: by avoiding difficult conversations, you are deciding to ignore the solution and allow the problem to continue. When you look at it like that, it becomes clearer that you must have difficult conversations so that you can find solutions.

Having difficult conversations can be easier if you develop certain skills that make you better at communication and problem solving.

Skills You Need to Have a Difficult Conversation

Developing skills that you need to succeed with difficult conversations is possible for everyone. You need to know who you are, what your goals are, and how to reach them. When you know what you need and take the steps to achieve your goals, you will be successful.

Information Gathering – The first thing to do is gather the right type of information to support your goals. For example, if this is a discussion at work so you can get a raise, you want to show proof that you deserve the raise. If this is about a problem you’re having with your spouse, you want to remember situations that occurred due to this issue. Not to use against them, but to learn what you can do differently.

Be Assertive – To have difficult conversations, assertiveness is necessary so that you can go forth with it without procrastination. It’s hard to have tough talks, but once they’re over it’s usually not as bad as you thought it would be. Most of the time our fears aren’t founded, and when they are, you can use other skills to mitigate problems.

Be Empathetic – Right now you may think that the problem is really the other person’s issue. But if you can look at things from their side, and even argue their side for them in order to show them you do get it, that will go far in helping bring them closer to understanding your view too.

Control Your Emotions – Depending on the topic, it can be very hard to control your emotions, but you must if you want to reach a solution. Even if you cry, or feel angry, or shake, you can still control what you say and do. For example, even if you’re angry, don’t yell accusations or start playing the blame game.

Be Willing to Negotiate – Most of the time the answer is in between what they want and what you want. If you can negotiate, you’ll both come out feeling like winners because you solved the problem.

Understand Verbal and Non-Verbal Language – When we communicate, we transmit both verbal and non-verbal cues. Sometimes these can be interpreted wrongly, especially if you were raised differently or have different cultures. If you’re in doubt, ask. Never assume intention.

Listen – Listening involves more than hearing. It involves hearing and understanding. If you want to really understand someone, you need to learn how to listen actively.

Learn Conflict Negotiation – Even if you don’t often have difficult conversations in your life, learning conflict negotiation skills can go very far in helping prepare you for general communication throughout your life. Harvard Business Review has books and guides about this very topic.

When you grow these skills, it will not only improve your ability to have successful difficult conversations but it will also improve your relationships in every aspect of your life. In my next post I will look at how you can prepare for the next difficult conversation you have to have.

Why You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty about Finding Time for You

One of the worst things anyone can ever do to themselves is pile on the guilt for wanting to have some time to themselves and put themselves first. In fact, putting yourself first is really the reverse of being selfish. Because of that fact, there is no reason to feel guilty. Let’s go through some ways to lessen and even eliminate your guilt about sometimes putting your needs first.

* Your Family Loves You – Your family will respond fine to you finding time to put yourself first, especially when it comes to your health and happiness. They want you to be happy. If you tell them that these 15 minutes (or an hour) of whatever activity you do alone is important to you and why, they’ll respect it. Even if they don’t at first, they’ll come around. Dr. Phil once said, “You teach people how to treat you.” And while a lot of what he says may not be true, this one quote is.

* Your Friends Care about You – Like most people, even your best friends will take advantage of you if you let them. It’s not that they don’t care about you or that they mean to take advantage. It’s the fact that if you say yes, they just assume you want to say yes. Try saying no, and your friends will respect you and understand.

* You’ll Enjoy Life More – When you have some downtime that is just for you, to do whatever is that you love doing (whether that is reading, painting, walking, or meditating), you’ll be a happier, more well-rounded person who enjoys life a lot more.

* It’s Really a Requirement Not an Option – The fact is, you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something that is really a requirement in your life. It’s not optional to take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be productive or happy.

* If You Get Sick What Will Happen? – When you don’t put yourself first, you’ll end up sick. What happens when you’re sick? If you go to bed for a few days with the flu or other illness, does the world fall apart? Did you know that if you take the time to care for yourself, you’ll be less likely to get ill?

* Your Feelings Transfer to Others – It’s hard to believe, but when you’re overworked and say yes to things you’d rather not do, it shows. People may not be able to interpret the actual reason behind your attitude, behavior, or energy, but they can sense that something is off. This can make other people feel uncomfortable without understanding why.

* You Can Only Control Yourself – Some women have a hard time with guilt when they make themselves a priority because they think that deep down, things just won’t get done right if they’re not doing it. But the truth is, that’s not your problem. You can only control yourself; you can’t control everyone else.

* Prioritizing Yourself Doesn’t Mean Neglecting Others – Some people think that “me” time means that you neglect others. That’s just not true. You just have to learn to differentiate needs versus wants. Needs are before wants. You need time to yourself and you need to take care of yourself. That’s far more important than whether you run the PTA bake sale or Betsy does.

Honestly, the more you learn to put your needs before other people’s wants, the happier, healthier, and better you’ll be at everything that you do. If you won’t put yourself first, no one else will – not your partner, not your kids, and not your friends. It must be you.

21 Body Language Habits to Avoid

There are a number of body language habits that are generally considered to send a negative message and it is therefore suggested are best avoided. I am sure that individuals will have very differing views on these but it’s always worth considering whether any of the following are stopping you from keeping communication flowing smoothly.

1. Frowning – This is very unwelcoming.

2. Making a face or scowling – This can be an unconscious expression of disapproval or dislike. Try to maintain a neutral expression even if you don’t like what you hear.

3. A fake smile – This makes you seem unwelcoming and dishonest.

4. Avoiding eye contact – Eye contact shows you are paying attention. Avoiding eye contact could mean you don’t care about what is being said. It might also be a sign you are being dishonest, as in the phrase “he couldn’t look me in the eye”.

5. Staring too long – Excessive eye contact might make you seem aggressive or even rude. In Asian countries, it is considered disrespectful to look directly into the eyes of someone of high status.

6. Squinting – This is similar to frowning. It also indicates dislike.

7. Looking down/stooping – This can suggest disinterest, or arrogance. Staring at your feet and shuffling them can also suggest nervousness and the desire to get away.

8. Crossing your arms in front of your chest – This is very unwelcoming and can also be a sign of a lack of interest or a refusal to communicate.

9. Holding things in front of you – Holding your purse, a folder or coffee cup in front of you or close to your chest is like a barrier, making you seem aloof. If you can’t put them down, hold them to your side if you can.

10. Standing with your hands on your hips – This stance is one of aggression and bossiness, so it can close down communication before it ever really starts.

11. Fidgeting with a pen or your phone – These actions suggest you are really not paying attention to what is being said. It can also indicate impatience for the meeting to be at an end.

12. Checking your watch – This shows you are bored or under pressure and therefore not paying attention fully to what is being said. It also suggests impatience.

13. Leaning away – Leaning away suggests “standoffishness.”

14. Leaning too close – This can invade others’ personal space and make them feel uncomfortable.

15. Casual touches – This can suggest too much familiarity if you don’t know the other person well.

16. Shaking hands – This is accepted in the West but still avoided in Asian countries. A bow, or a prayer sign (wai) with hands pressed together at the level of the chest is more common there.

17. Using your left hand – This can be a problem in the Middle East, where this hand is seen as dirty and only used for lavatory purposes.

18. Leaning against something – This can make you look too relaxed.

19. Sitting with your legs crossed – This can also make you look too relaxed. It is frowned on in Asian countries.

20. Touching your face – Touching the face, especially the nose, is seen as a sign of lying.

21. Touching your hair – Fiddling with your hair seems to indicate boredom or nervousness.

If you have not assessed your own body language recently, it might be time to practice in a mirror, such as when you are speaking on the phone. Or, video yourself and assess your body language. You may have more bad habits than you think. If this is the case, consciously work towards eliminating them and see what a difference it can make to your level of success.

The Art of Paying Compliments

Over the past few days I have made several tweets about how we can make a difference to others by doing something simple which doesn’t cost us anything.

That set me thinking about how challenging some people can find it to to pay someone a compliment, something which some of us take for granted can be a real challenge for others. I think that’s because these days, it seems more witty and “with-it” to be sarcastic with others rather than to compliment them. It’s also true that in some cases, complimenting someone can actually trigger mistrust, with the other person feeling you are either being rude, or that you want something from them.

The art of giving compliments seems to be a dying one. But here are ways of complimenting a person and sounding sincere.

Be Sincere

The best way to sound sincere is to be sincere. Don’t compliment just for the sake of it, or because you are trying to get something out of the other person.

Be Positive

Sometimes a person could really use a pick-me-up, especially when times are tough. Giving them a sincere compliment can boost their mood and self-esteem. For example, imagine a colleague had to give a presentation, but it didn’t go well. Tell them you admired their ability to stay cool under pressure, or mention something in the presentation that you found really useful.

Be Appreciative

Say please, thank you, and well done more often. This creates a positive atmosphere in which others feel that you think they matter. In this way, when you do give a specific compliment, they will feel it is genuine.

Don’t Just Make It about Appearance

It is easy to compliment someone on their appearance with a quick, “Wow, I love your tie”, or “What a gorgeous scarf, where did you get it?” However, these compliments literally just skim the surface. They can also make a person embarrassed and self-conscious about their appearance, especially if they wonder whether you are sincere or not.

Be Detailed

Being detailed shows you are paying attention to the other person, and also implies sincerity. You could say things like, “Well done on that presentation. The charts were great. I would really love to get a copy of your slides.” Or, “Wow, I really admire what you just did. I’m not sure I would have the nerve in the same situation.”

Think about what They Want to Hear

This does not mean giving compliments for no reason or saying what you think they want to hear, but rather, directing your compliments towards what is most important to them as a person. For example, a fashion model will hear endless compliments about her appearance, but commenting on the great way she has with people or her charity work will touch something closer to her heart. If someone posts a photo of their new car on Facebook, don’t just comment on the gorgeous car, say, “I know how hard you work. You deserve it!”

Now ttry it and and see what a difference it makes to your relationships.

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