Paul Duxbury

Improving Your Relationships Online and Offline

We ALL do it. We are so busy and pressured to get everything done that we dash off an email without reading it through, checking the spelling, and so on. Or we make a comment, or what we think is a joke, in an email or on one of the social networks – only to find at the end of our plane flight that our boss has fired us. The young lady who made a racist tweet discovered to her cost that anything you say can and WILL be repeated or passed around online.

In this article, we will discuss some of the major trouble spots in online and offline communication, and how a few simple changes can lead to big results.

Email Relationships

One of the main issues with email is the lack of “tone” of voice that you would get from speaking to someone in person or on the phone. Email lacks the human touch. If you are working in a cubicle-based office where the people on your team are sitting right next to you but you always email, it might be time to get a bit chattier with them in the real world.

If what you need to discuss is something important that includes other people, by all means use email. Or, speak to them and then confirm via email what you understood to be the most important points and action steps.

Before hitting the SEND button, take the time to check over your email to be sure you are as clear as possible and that it is error-free. A good rule of thumb in any corporate communication is to never send an email you would be embarrassed to see posted online.

This is especially true of customer service replies. Customers are the lifeblood of most businesses. Unskillful replies can and do filter to the top of social networks all the time, perhaps tarnishing your reputation or that of your company forever.
One CEO made the mistake of emailing one employee he trusted that he would be offline for a couple of days to deal with some personal problems. When he returned, it was to his worst nightmare. Some of his “trusted employees” had stolen valuable assets, and a larger company was going after him in a hostile takeover bid.

Social Media Strategies

In terms of social media and online discussions, only contribute the bare minimum and never venture any personal information that might be used against you in some way.

If you feel you have something really helpful to say to others, join in. But don’t use the network as a soapbox to spout your own views. Every post or tweet should be about your customers, not you.

If you want to advance your career as an expert in your industry, don’t try to prove it by boasting about your skills and accomplishments. Your expertise will speak for itself when you give intelligent response to a person’s most pressing problems.

Finally, never “flame” anyone on a social network or discussion board, and do not respond in kind if you are. That would lower you to their level. The best thing is to ignore it. If you feel you can’t ignore the flame, simply say that everyone has their own perceptions. Remember, our relationships are as much about what we do as what we don’t do. Be courteous and polite to others and see what a difference it can make to all your business and online relationships.

How Authentic Are You Being? A Series of Reflective Exercises

In my last post here and in a series of posts on LindkedIn I have looked at the issue of “Being Authentic” and living more of the life that we want to.

You can read the posts here: (please note they will open in new windows so that you can come back to the exercises below when you have read them)

There are many benefits to living more authentically, including:

Creating a closer connection between your public face and your inner truths
Regaining your integrity, wholeness
Strengthening relationships
Building connections based on honest communication
Making you more sociable because you will be a lot less self-conscious or hiding behind a facade

This sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? So how can you start discovering your authentic self, either all over again, or perhaps for the first time ever?

We’ve included the following in a separate worksheet or you can answer these on a piece of paper directly from this report.

Here are three sets of exercises that can help:

Authenticity Exercise Set #1: Self-Assessment
Authenticity Exercise Set #2: Success Strategies
Authenticity Exercise Set #3: Learning to Say No and Mean It

Work your way through them in as honest a manner as possible. Use the three plain text files we have created for these exercises to type up you answers, or print out blank ones and use as the basis for a journal to help you work on being more authentic in all areas of your life.

Authenticity Exercise Set #1: Self-Assessment

In what areas of your life do you experience the most disconnect from your true feelings? At work, in your marriage, etc.
What stops you from being authentic in these particular areas of your life?
What will help you make changes in these areas?
What gets in the way of you making changes in these areas?
What is one aspect of your personality that you would like to develop in order to become more authentic?
What is one step you can take today to move forward with your goal in Question 5 that will help you develop your authenticity?

Authenticity Exercise Set #2: Success Strategies

There are six main areas you can concentrate on which can help you become a more authentic person.
1. Express Yourself – Consider different responses and choose the one that is healthiest for you.
2. Accept Imperfection – Realize everyone makes mistakes and it is not the end of the world.
3. Share a Burden – Write a letter; make a call; see a friend so you do not feel so alone.
4. Look Forward, Not Back – Don’t beat yourself up over the past, but take steps for a better future.
5. Face Your Inner Truth – Identify areas where you feel a disconnect and try to make positive changes.
6. Ask for Help – Talk to friends, family, or a health professional.
In looking over this list of six strategies, which area would be the easiest for you to start working on?
What is one step you can take in this area to make a change?
Identify which area would be the hardest for you to work on. Why?
What is one step you can take today in this area to make a change for the better that will lead to you living a more authentic life?

Authenticity Exercise Set #3: Learning to Say No and Mean It

Here are some of the best ways to learn to say no, and mean it, without damaging relationships or feeling bad about your response:

Make eye contact
Use a firm tone of voice
Keep your no simple and brief
Don’t apologize
Don’t make excuses
Don’t worry about being disliked

Keep a journal of your progress in saying no and meaning it, and without feeling guilty about it.

Take the time to complete these sets of exercises, and you should soon see real progress in your ability to connect or re-connect with your authentic self.

Are You Living A Lie?

Here’s a quick quiz for you. Answer honestly. Do you feel:

Like you are constantly hiding behind a mask?
Worried that others will not like you?
That if you say no, you are a bad person and will be letting everyone down?
Trapped in a life that does not seem to be your own?
Like you are always comparing yourself to others, with them on top and you on the bottom?
As if you’re finding yourself not good enough, no matter how hard you try?
Afraid that if your boss, co-workers, spouse or children found out “X” about you, they would never look at you in the same way again?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then the likely truth is that you are living a lie.

You are not the only one. It is an easy trap to fall into and can be a deep and difficult one to climb out of. But the effort can be well worth it if the result is a happier, healthier you.

Reasons Why We Could Be Living a Lie

It seems as if almost from the moment we are born, we have a certain role in the family with a certain set of expectations, both spoken and unspoken. Our family and the wider world is telling us who we are supposed to be rather than allow us to express who we really are. Our parents want us to be happy, of course, but we just might not have within us what it takes to be a doctor or lawyer, get accepted to their prestigious alma mater, or follow in their career footsteps.

On the other hand, our parents might have low expectations for us; maybe there’s never been a college graduate in the family, or they did just fine working in a hardware store all their lives and that should be enough for you too.

We get a range of messages about how we are supposed to do, think, and be. Children should be seen and not heard; we must never waste food; we should always clean our plates. Over time, these habits become second nature to us. However, they are not necessarily healthy or helpful if they lead to, for example, being terrified of speaking in public or being vastly overweight.

When we go to school, we might have a teacher who is never satisfied no matter how hard we try. Or we might be told we are not good at X and so we should not even bother to try. We might be bullied over the way we look, dress, speak, or even for being too smart or too stupid at school. Rather than get encouragement or support from the adults who influence our lives, we are told to ‘man up’ or be more ‘ladylike.’

There are now more opportunities for both men and women to defy traditional expectations, but the truth is that we often internalize various unhelpful attitudes and actions as normal and therefore judge ourselves as abnormal or less than perfect if we wish to live our lives differently.

The peer pressure and parental pressure can soon result in us constructing a mask of the ‘perfect’ child, sibling, spouse and so on. As the pressure builds from outside to conform, your own authentic self begins to feel trapped and miserable, like a caged tiger the zoo pacing back and forth, longing to be free.

If you have been living a lie in order to please others, you owe it to yourself to start taking action to live a more authentic life in which your true self can shine through.

Here and on LinkedIn I will be taking a closer look at how we can be more authentic and true to ourselves.

Why It’s Good to Stand Up For Yourself

How often do you feel like your needs are met? People who are unable to stand up for themselves often find that they feel unfulfilled, frustrated, and even victimized. When you develop a pattern of letting other people take advantage of you, it can impact your mental and physical health.

Conversely, those that are always insisting that their demands be met and bully others until they are, are also just as unhappy. They alienate those around them. They’re too aggressive. Somewhere between aggressive and passive is a happy medium that most people refer to as assertive. To assert yourself is to stand up for your own wants and needs. However, you do so with the consideration of others.

Standing Up For Yourself Is Good for You

Being assertive and standing up for yourself helps you feel more empowered and less stressed out. Instead of constantly tending to other people’s needs, you’re taking care of your own. Then, and only then, are you in a position to help others. Standing up for yourself improves you and your life in many different ways.

1. You Become a Better Communicator

When you stand up for yourself it’s not a, “Hey, give me that.” It’s more like, “Hey, I see you have that and I would like some too. Do you mind sharing?” See the difference? You ask for what you want in a pleasant and collaborative way. And when someone asks you to do something for them (something that you don’t really want to do), instead of saying “sure” and not really meaning it, you can simply say, “I don’t have time.” Communication becomes much easier when you are assertive.

2. People Respect You

How much do you respect someone who is constantly agreeing to do things that they don’t want to do or someone who lets others take credit for work that they did? Or someone who says, “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” all the time. It happens. Passive people live in this world. It’s difficult to respect them. If you are passive then you may feel like others in your life don’t have respect for you. Start being more assertive and standing up for yourself and watch that change.

3. Stay True to Yourself

You have opinions, thoughts, goals and needs. When you don’t stand up for yourself, those get pushed aside and other people become the priority at your expense. Standing up for yourself means that you make yourself a priority and that you acknowledge that your wants and needs are important. Your opinion is valid and you deserve to follow your own path.

Standing up for yourself isn’t always easy. Start small and gradually increase your confidence. Learn to say no to things you don’t want to do and yes to yourself.

Setting Goals and Changing Habits

After we have spent some time answering questions, reflecting on the answers and as I suggested in the last post doing some decluttering, it’s time to begin making changes to your lifestyle. Let’s take a look at some habits that you may want to embrace, and offer some goal-setting tips to help you get started.

Gratitude

One of the habits that will help you avoid focusing on buying new things, and instead support you to focus on enjoying what you have, is the gratitude habit. You can embrace gratitude in many different ways. You can start each day by thinking about all of the wonderful things you’re grateful for.

You can start a gratitude journal and write in it every day or if like me you already maintain a reflective journal then add some gratitude reflections. You can also start saying thanks in a sincere way to people you encounter during the day.

Replace Your Shopping Habit

How often do you find yourself shopping online? How many times do you buy something on a whim? For many, shopping is a habit and it leads to a home full of unwanted stuff. This is stuff that costs money and gets in the way of you living your ideal life.

There are several ways to become more aware of your spending habits. One of them is to simply stop shopping. Ban or block shopping sites on your computer. You can also find hobbies and activities that replace your shopping habit.

For example, instead of shopping on the weekends or surfing the net while sitting on the couch, start knitting, build a dresser, or join a local sports club. Keep busy so you’re not tempted to shop and spend.

DIY

If it’s broken, you throw it away, right? Not anymore. Instead of replacing items in your home and life that are in need of a little TLC, why not get creative and flex your skills.

DIY is a nice way to add some personality to your home, to provide you with a sense of satisfaction, and to keep items that you love in your possession. Of course, if you’re not handy, then by all means consider having the item repaired instead of throwing it away.

Finally, find and focus on your passions. Find activities and pursuits that make you feel happy and joyful. It can be anything from Genealogy/Family History Research, making homemade wine to writing travel books to building websites – and everything in between.

Living well with what you have isn’t just focused on clearing out material items; it’s also about clearing away the pursuits and tasks that don’t bring you joy. Sure, no day is without some menial tasks. However, if the bulk of your life is spent on pursuits that make you smile, then you’re living well.
Moving Forward

Once you’ve begun to envision a simpler life – one that is full of meaning and is defined by you as good living – then it’s time to start taking steps toward that vision. The first step is to commit to your path. If you want to live well with what you have, then you have to commit to it.

That may mean different things for different people. On a fundamental level it means not adding more clutter and distractions to your life. It may also mean making major changes to your life. For example, you might decide to downsize your home and/or move towns. Or start a new job.

Committing to changing your life is the first step, so what’s the second? It’s to start setting small goals to help you transition toward that life. Small goals might be anything, such as cleaning out your closet and only keeping clothes that you wear and love. It might mean taking a class that will help you start a new career. Start setting those goals and create a plan to follow through.

Finally, the third step is to begin living your life right now as if you’re already successful. You’ve envisioned your ideal day. You’ve made a list of the things and people that support you as well as lists about your strengths, weaknesses, and the things that don’t support you. You have a good idea about how you want to live your life.

Start living as if you’ve already achieved your goals. This is important because it causes a shift in your mindset. Instead of saying that you’re trying to live well with what you have, say that you are living well with what you have. Instead of saying that you want to write a mystery book, say that you are writing a mystery book. See the difference?

Approaching your life as if you’re already achieved your goals empowers you to actually take steps each day to make it true. When you cut down to the “essentials” and what’s most important to you in your life, you may be surprised at what it takes to make you truly happy.