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Dealing With The Mood Hoover

I have been talking with a former colleague recently who has taken on a new management role in a Customer Service team. The team and indeed the business is going through a lot of change and she is finding that she is having to deal with a number of negative people who she refers to as “mood hoovers” which is a phrase I have heard used before.

I am sure we have all met them whether in work or in our private lives. The moody or grumpy person who can be a real “mood hoover” to be around. Obviously many people can have mood swings for a variety of reasons. Some people may not be feeling well at a particular moment, or may be experiencing some sort of issue or have a concern that just occupies most of their mind.

Some people, on the other hand, are just moody by nature. They have regular ups and downs that seem to be a part of their daily routine. They are a real mood hoover and it can feel almost as if they are sucking the positive out of the air! Dealing with this sort of person is never easy but there are some techniques for dealing with this sort of person and that can minimise the impact on you and others.

Get to know their basic temperament. In essence there are two types of grumpy or moody people. The first is one who has an occasional bad day. They may have lost their car keys and been hopelessly delayed by trying to find them or had a misunderstanding with their partner, whatever it is, there is generally a reason we can empathise with for their mood. They are the sort who will soon shake it off with calm and order being restored. Then there’s the kind who seems to go through an emotional roller-coaster on a daily basis. The latter is the kind of person who just brings those around them down with them because they like to always look at the glass as being half-empty. People like this are usually extremely sensitive, and any little thing gets them on a roll of negativity and criticism of others and everything around them. Should you be faced with that kind of person, one thing you should never do is feed their fire. Step back and avoid circumstances that can tick them off.

We all need to learn how to read people. While some may all too readily share their emotions, there are others who are prone to withdrawing and displacing their inner feelings by having inappropriate reactions to small incidents. People like these will rant and rave about the most trivial of matters when what they are trying to do is mask their vulnerability. The best way to deal with people who do this is to try to find out the underlying causes of their anger. Ask them how they are and offer to listen to them when they are calm enough to talk. Never force them to open up and talk about it, otherwise they will retreat further into their shell. If they really refuse to talk, simply take a step back and let them know that they can approach you when they are ready. When we have problems, most of us need to talk about the issues when the time is right.

Try to put things in perspective. It’s important to know that with the typical mood hoover you are not responsible for their mood because whatever you do they will find some way of turning it into a negative. The important thing here is to remain positive and continue to be the objective person. Take a step back and observe the things that trigger their anger. When they are grouchy towards you even when you haven’t done anything, you also need to stand your ground and let them know that you will not tolerate this kind of treatment.

Deciding when enough is enough is entirely up to you. When you deal with a moody person, you have to be brave enough to also say stop. The mood hoover can be incredibly destructive and ultimately they will have to face the consequences of their behaviour but don’t let them drag you down to their level. As I advised my former colleague you need to maintain your focus on the positive and sometimes you have to accept that some people cannot be jolted out of their approach to life however good a manager you might be.

Are You A Good Listener?

In the recent set of posts about Difficult Conversations one of the skills that I identified was the ability to be a good listener. So, in the next few posts I want to explore what being a good listener means and how you can develop your skills in that area.

In my opinion, one of the most important things you can learn in life outside of empathy is learning to be a good listener. There are a variety of reasons for this. Outside of the fact that you’ll get to know people better if you’re a good listener, there is also the fact that people will remember you more and like you more if you listen. If you want to be popular, learn to be an active listener.

What It Means to Be a Good Listener

There are some characteristic signs of a good listener that you can teach yourself. With practice, these things will become natural to you. But they do take practice. When you start doing this, you’ll notice that people seem to like you more and remember you more. The main reason is that good listeners often elicit a lot more trust than bad listeners.

Make Eye Contact – A person who is really listening to you doesn’t look at screens, in the mirror, or out the window while engaged in conversation. They put the person they’re talking with at the centre of their thoughts and eye contact. You don’t have to gaze into someone’s eyes without rest, but you do need to show that you’re paying attention.

Ask Thoughtful Questions – At appropriate times, ask the person you’re talking to questions based on what they’ve already told you. Ask one question at a time and give them an opportunity to answer before interjecting into the conversation.

Pay Attention – It can be hard for most people to pay attention, but you can learn tricks to make your brain actively engage with listening to the person you’re talking with. Look at their face, listen to their words, and nod in agreement or disagreement while they talk. If you don’t understand something, ask for further explanation.

Avoid Making Assumptions – As was mentioned earlier, ask questions when you don’t understand. Never make assumptions about what someone means, and don’t read between the lines. When in doubt, simply ask for clarification to ensure that you really do understand what someone is trying to say to you.

Think before Responding – When it’s your turn to speak (which isn’t until you are able to find a two- to three-second pause between thoughts), always think about the right way to respond before you do it. Remember that the more questions you ask and the more you get the other person to talk, the more they’ll feel as if they know, like and trust you.

Don’t Change the Subject – When it is your turn to talk, don’t change the subject. Stick to what the other person is talking about, even if they say something that rubs you the wrong way. If you’re only focused on the topic and not how they choose to express themselves, your overall communication will improve – as will your ability to listen.

Don’t Interrupt – It can be hard when you are with someone who is super-talkative and talks fast, but when you’re focused on being a better listener you don’t want to interrupt people. Let them talk, keep listening, and focus on what they’re saying. When there is a two- to three-second pause, you can lean forward, look them in the eye, gesture with your hand, and then speak when they stop talking.

Being a good listener is an essential skill to develop in life. You will use this skill in all aspects of your life – personal and business. The biggest thing to know is that you want to listen to understand, not so that you can reply. When you start realising that, you’ll do a lot better and become an amazing listener.

Difficult Conversations – Achieving A Positive Outcome

In the two previous posts I have looked at the skills needed to be able to have difficult conversations and what to do to prepare for them. Now let’s look at how we achieve a positive outcome, preferably for all concerned.

There are some useful steps you can follow to ensure a successful outcome of almost any type of difficult conversation. Naturally, if you have to fire someone, or lay someone off, or tell someone their loved one died, this is not going to be the same as other types of conversations that have solutions. But, you can still use these lessons in all walks of life.

Be Curious

Instead of approaching a problem with, “This is how I see it, and now you must do this”, approach it with the idea that you want to know what the other person thinks and feels before you share your side. If they’re completely unaware of the problem, then you may have to go first, but let them know in the process that you want to know their thoughts and feelings and ideas without judgment. Here are some examples:

“Sue, we really need to talk about that issue with customer service. I have a feeling we see things very differently, and I really want your feedback on this issue.”

“Jack, we need to talk about our budget and how it may be affecting us both. I have a feeling that we see things very differently and I hope that you’ll let me know how you really feel about this topic tonight after we get the kids to bed.”

Acknowledge the Other Side

When the person you’re having the difficult conversation with tells you their thoughts and feelings, don’t just jump in right away with yours. Instead, mirror theirs back to them so that you can make sure that you really do understand them. Only move on to your side when you have received an acknowledgment that you are understanding them completely.

“What I heard you say is that you feel exhausted after work trying to get dinner on the table without help.”

“What I heard you say is that when you get home you need some time to decompress after work before you spend time with me and the kids.”

“What I heard you say is that the filing system we use is confusing and you have ideas to make it better and more effective.”

Clarify the Issues

The purpose of clarifying the issue at hand is to focus the topic on that one issue. Approaching too many issues at once can be hard to grasp and overwhelm any conversation. Even in serious situations such as infidelity, the issue is often not the infidelity but the problem in the marriage.

Being late for work may seem like the main issue as the boss. But, perhaps there is a reason for the tardiness, such as sitting around in the morning with nothing to do? If so, the issue here is really that there is nothing to do. If there was something to do, the employee won’t take time so casually.

On the other hand, a personal issue might be making the employee late. Then you must clarify if the issue is being late or if the issue is the impossibility of getting there on time due to dropping kids off at school on time and the traffic being horrible.

Often an issue can be clarified by figuring out what the deliverables are or what the solution is. In the case of employees being tardy due to having to drop off their kids in the morning, maybe you can implement flex time. There is almost always a solution.

Focus on Problem Solving

Instead of focusing on the problem and placing blame, focus on what you want the solution to look like. In doing so, accept that your solution might not be the best one. Perhaps the other person has a better idea that will work rather than your idea. When the focus is placed on solutions, the problems usually disappear faster.

The reason it’s faster is because you stop complaining about things that cannot change and won’t change. You can’t go back and not be late. You can’t unmake a mistake. But you can move forward and try to avoid making the same mistake again if it’s possible.

For example, if you have an employee who is always late, why are they late? Do they just not care about your rule? Usually, that is not the case. Find out why, then figure out what you can do. If there is no way around the fact that you must have someone answering phones on time each day, you may need to find someone else to answer the phones.

While sometimes the solution seems harsh, you have to determine what you want the solution to be, what they would like the solution to be, and how you can meet in the middle if it’s possible at all.

Facing difficult discussions is really all about learning problem-solving techniques. It doesn’t matter if you’re on the receiving end or you’re the one calling the meeting. You can approach it thinking about solutions to problems rather than just the problems. Don’t look at how difficult something is; look at it as a problem that can be solved, and you will succeed.

How to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation

In the previous post I looked at the skills you need in order to be able to have effective difficult conversations. Now I want to take you through the steps you can follow when preparing to have that difficult conversation.

When you know that you must have a difficult conversion – whether you’re on the receiving end or you’re the person who is arranging the conversation – there are some things you can do to make it easier.

Know Your Purpose – Why do you want to have this difficult conversation to start with? What are you hoping will result from it? Be sure to know your goals and objectives in advance of even mentioning the talk to the other person or people involved.

Don’t Make Assumptions – Whether you’re on the receiving end or not, do not make assumptions about how the other person is going to react. It’s okay to go over different scenarios in your head so that you know how you might deal with them effectively, but do not assume that you’re correct about them. You have no idea what their real thoughts or intentions are until they share them.

Know Yourself – If you know that you’re an emotional person, do things to help prepare yourself for the discussion such as avoiding caffeine, taking anti-anxiety medications if you normally use it, meditating, or taking a run or walk in advance of the meeting.

Is Your Opponent / Partner Aware There Is a Problem? – Before approaching the person, ask yourself if they are aware that there is a problem. Often something that seems obvious to us is not even on the radar for the other person. If they’re going to be blindsided, acknowledge that your lack of communication is the cause.

What Are Your Fears? – Before going into this difficult conversation, what do you fear about the potential discussion and its outcome? Often these fears are unfounded, but naming the fears can help you figure out how you’ll talk to the person.

What Part Is Your Responsibility? – If you can determine from your perspective what your responsibility is in the situation, you need to address that up front when you enter the discussion. That will calm their fears and make them realize right away that this is not a blame game discussion.

Read Self-Help Books – There are numerous self-help books on this topic. One that we like are Harvard Business Review on Negotiation and Conflict Resolution and the guides that go with it. Another is Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, et al.

Watch Videos – This is a great video from Ted Talks headlining Celeste Headlee, a writer and radio host, where she talks about ten ways to have better conversations. This can work for many types of difficult conversations.

Seek Advice – If you’re unsure, you can also seek out advice from someone like a counselor or a mediator. Mediators’ sole focus is on helping people get through difficult conversations and negotiations. Find one that is well versed in the area you need help with.

Practice – One of the biggest things you can do to get better at having difficult conversations is to practice. Keep having the conversations, acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them, so that you can do better each time.

Preparing for a difficult conversation is just as important as having the conversation. If you are ready and have taught yourself about communication, conflict resolution, and have a good understanding of human nature and how to get to solutions, you’ll end up doing great.

Being Resilient – You Are Not Alone!

Remember You are Not Alone! In the final post in this short series on being resilient I wanted to look at how we can call on those we know to support us because we do not have to deal with things on our own.

In times of crisis, you can believe that you have to go it alone, but look around at your family, friends and Personal Learning Network and you will probably find that you can put together a support team and lean on them as needed. You might have a mentor, coach or role model who can help guide you through the situation. Or, you can learn all you can and come up with an action plan for dealing with whatever situation has arisen.

Whenever something challenging happens to us, we can feel as if we are the only person in the world that it has ever happened to. The truth is, it has probably happened to many other people as well and they too have had to learn about being resilient. Examples include being made redundant, divorce, the loss of a loved one, a fire destroying our home, and so on. Fortunately, there are trained professionals who have experience dealing with these issues.

There are also ordinary people who have faced the same issues and come out the other side having learned a lot of valuable lessons about being resilient along the way. You might be able to connect with them in person via local support groups, or meet up with them online and share experiences.

For example, it can be really tough to be diagnosed with a serious illness, such as cancer. Going online to learn as much as you can about your condition and treatment options is often one of the best ways to get a good outcome. Reading successful treatment stories can give you a positive outlook, which can lead to a better outcome.

If one of your family members becomes ill, you might suddenly be thrust into the role of a caregiver, a gatekeeper who learns about all of the aspects of the condition, and a cheerleader as you try to put a brave face on things for the sake of your sick loved one. All of this can lead to stress and caregiver burnout if you don’t pace yourself and take steps to ensure you get the support you need.

Being resilient does not mean going it alone. It means knowing what you need, asking for it, and doing your best no matter what the situation, through the smart choices you make. Over time, even the toughest situations will become easier because you have developed resilience.

Final Thoughts

Many people think how fortunate some people are because they appear so resilient, and make it seem so easy to cope with even the worst times. They look as though they are always in charge, and have their act together no matter what life throws at them.

The truth is that the road to being resilient is about developing a set of skills and a mental attitude. They are skills you can develop if you are willing to put in the effort to work on your preparedness in the face of tough situations. Only by dealing with challenges can you rise to them, and become a more resilient person able to succeed in life no matter what the odds.