self-confidence Archives - Page 2 of 2

Be Aware – Be Assertive

How assertive are you? People with low self-esteem often have difficulty going after what they want in life. They fear judgment, ridicule, and failure. They’re not assertive. Being assertive and having healthy self-esteem go hand in hand. When you increase one, you automatically increase the other. Learning to have better self-esteem and learning to be more assertive will help you both personally and professionally.

1. Start Small

Assertiveness is like a muscle. It gets bigger with exercise. However, you don’t want to go out and try to deadlift 500 pounds. You won’t succeed, it’ll hurt, and the disappointment may keep you from trying again. Instead, start with something that you know you can do. For example, if the host at a restaurant places you near the kitchen, practice assertiveness and ask for a different table. As you begin to use that skill and you learn to process the response you receive from your requests, you’ll become more comfortable and more confident – it’ll boost your self-esteem.

2. Release Guilt

One of the reasons that many people justify not asking for what they want or need is that they feel guilty. They worry about being a bother or annoying someone. Let that go. Asking for what you want is essential to your wellbeing. It’s not greedy or pushy to ask for what you want and need. If you feel guilty, stop and think about why. Then ask yourself if that guilt is healthy for you and productive. If the answer is no, let it go.

3. Practice Awareness and Assertiveness

Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. As you find yourself wanting something, pay attention to your thought process. Do you think, “Oh, I can’t ask for that? She’ll think I’m…” If you find yourself worrying about what other people are thinking about you, ask yourself if those thoughts and concerns are reasonable and relevant. If the hostess thinks you’re high maintenance, does it really matter?

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk to yourself like you talk to a friend or a beloved family member. What would you say to them if they were afraid to ask for what they wanted? Tell yourself the same thing! Treat yourself like you’d treat a loved one. Healthy self-esteem is a process of paying attention to what you want and need, and honouring that.

How To Stop Taking Criticism So Personally

How do you feel when someone criticises you? If you’re like many people then your reaction and response depend on a number of factors. It may depend on who is criticizing you. Your mood that day and disposition can also play an important role. Of course it can also depend on how they criticize you and what they’re commenting on.

Regardless of the situation, you can change your reaction to the criticism. You can learn to control your emotional reaction to criticism and not let it impact your self-esteem.

1. Evaluate the Source

When you’re receiving criticism it’s important to evaluate the source. A perfect stranger posting a comment online is much different than hearing something negative from your significant other. The deliverer of the criticism is important. What’s equally as important is the motivation for their criticism. Are they trying to help or hurt? Understanding the source of the criticism can help you frame it better.

2. Look for the Benefit

Assuming that the feedback is coming from someone who is trying to help, then focus on what you have to gain from the criticism. For example, a writer who hears from their editor that the dialogue feels forced can take that information and improve their dialogue. They can become a better writer. There is power in listening to criticism.

3. Detach from the Feedback

What other people think about your skills, characteristics, knowledge and so on actually has no impact on who you are as a person. Their opinion isn’t your reality – it’s theirs. And vice versa – just because you think someone is cruel doesn’t make them cruel. Detach from the feedback and remember that it doesn’t define you. You define you.

Feedback and criticism can be difficult to take under any circumstances. Remember who you are. Learn from the feedback and remember to pay attention to the person delivering the criticism. How much does their opinion really matter to you?

One characteristic of good self-esteem is the willingness to be assertive and to go after what you want. In my next post I will take a look at how to be more assertive.

Can You Have Too Much Self-esteem?

Can you have too much self-esteem? The answer is yes. There is a thin line between having self-esteem and being narcissist. So how do you find the balance? How do you make sure you have just enough self-esteem to live a happy, fulfilling, and productive life? Let’s start by taking a look at the definition of narcissism.

What Is a Narcissist and How Much Self-Esteem Is Too Much?

Interestingly enough, a narcissist can be someone who has very fragile self-esteem. The definition of a narcissist is, “A person with a mental disorder where they have an inflated sense of their own self-importance.” They wear a mask of self-confidence and self-esteem. In fact, most narcissists are vulnerable to criticism. They need to feel admired and beloved and usually have a tremendous lack of empathy for others.

Narcissists have too much self-esteem. SO how much is too much? If you’re unable to be realistic and in touch with who you are, then you may have too much. It’s about being aware of who you are. If people perceive you as vain, conceited, or pretentious, you may have too much self-esteem. People with heightened self-esteem feel entitled and insist on having the best of everything – they feel they deserve it.

Healthy Self-Esteem

There are some sure-fire signs of healthy self-esteem, and these signs or types of behavior are what you want to look for in yourself and in those you bring into your life. They include:

The ability to feel proud of your accomplishments
The ability to act independently
The willingness to laugh at yourself
The ability to accept compliments, and the willingness to give them
The willingness to accept responsibility for your thoughts and actions
The ability to accept challenges with enthusiasm
Knowing you’re worthwhile
Knowing you’re in control of your life
The willingness to express yourself and a willingness to listen to others express themselves
An ability to work through challenges, frustrations, and problems
The ability to hear criticism and not take it personally

Most people don’t have too much self-esteem. The vast majority of people have healthy self-esteem or low self-esteem. If you or someone you know has too much, it’s a good idea to visit a physician. But if you’re like most folks, then you could probably use some help with your self-esteem.

In my next post I want to tackle one of the biggest challenges to healthy self-esteem. We’re talking about criticism and how to not take it personally!

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3 Tips To Improve Your Self-Esteem

I have written quite a lot over the years about self-esteem and this post compliments a post I recently added to LinkedIn looking at What Is Self-Esteem? Here, I want to take a look at how to improve your self-esteem.

Our self-esteem, or how we feel about your worth, impacts our daily life. Admittedly, our self-esteem can change from day to day. Some days you may wake up feeling great about yourself and the world. Other days, you might feel like nothing you do or say matters.

Think about those days for a second – the down days when your self-esteem isn’t so great. How effective and productive were you? How well were you able to communicate with others? Chances are, when your self-esteem has taken a hit, you aren’t able to function on a high level. Your personal and professional life can suffer.

The good news is that there are simple tips you can embrace today to help turn those bad days around.

1. Find the Why

Why has your self-esteem taken a hit? What’s impacting how you feel about yourself? It can be anything from a bad night’s sleep, to a mistake, to criticism from someone. When you can identify your reason for low self-esteem, you can approach the solution logically.

2. One Positive Thought

You have a choice here. When you’re feeling down you can stop, take a deep breath, and identify one positive thought about yourself. Alternatively, you can keep a positive thought in your back pocket.

For example, when someone criticizes you at work, you can pull out your positive thought and read it. It can be anything that makes you feel better about yourself. For example, you might pull out a statement that says, “I am a kind and loving person who always does their best.”

The benefit of writing down a statement and keeping it with you is that sometimes when you’re having a particularly difficult day, it can be hard to think something positive.

3. A Little TLC

On the difficult days it’s always a good idea to pamper yourself a little. Identify one small thing that can have a big impact. For example, you might give yourself a facial, read a book on the patio, or go for a jog in the park. Whatever small self-care step that you can take, do it. It will make a significant difference on how you feel and how you feel about yourself.

Becoming aware of your self-esteem and noting when and why it may suffer can help you make a change. Treat yourself well and remember what makes you wonderful.